IFM2 station manager Mr. Xorfus and omnipotent intern Samantha try to resolve a supernatural printer jam with some help from station AI Melody that involves a space whale, fire badgers, and a jam band. Also: Sam has some ideas for radio shows of her own!
Mini Ep. 9: The Printer
Sam: What the fLARF.
[sparkling noises].
Sam: Oh, hey Mr. Xorfus. I’m like, working super hard here.
Xorfus: Does that mean you finished unjamming the printer?
Sam: Weirdly, no. I can’t get it to work.
Xorfus: Well Sam, I appreciate your efforts to do it “the old fashioned way.” I think it's important for our interns to learn the value of hard work, even if their, uh, metaphysical nature renders hard work irrelevant for them, but now that you’ve given it the old college try maybe you can just, uh, you know. [clopping noise]
Sam: Oh my god, I gave up trying to do it with my hands hours ago. I’ve been trying to use my powers, it's NOT WORKING.
Xorfus: I thought you were nigh omnipotent?
Sam: I am, apparently this printer is just designed to be “god-proof”. I swear I didn’t even know that was a thing, but according to Frankie it's like, something appliance companies have started to advertise as ascended beings of pure thought become more common.
Xorfus: Do you know what the problem is?
Sam: Yeah, it’s jammed! [hits a panel] Like, you can totally hear it having a little jam session in there.
[music plays]
Xorfus: Oh, I love that song. Not much of a jam though. [sighs] I suppose we’ll just have to call a maintenance team.
Sam: If only we knew someone who fixed space junk. Wait…
Xorfus: We are not calling Automnicon, Sam, unless we want to end up with them owning the copy machine, the entire station, and half the Supermoon™. There has to be a better way. I’ll come look at it.
[trotting noises along with human footsteps]
Xorfus: Melody?
Melody: Helloooo.
Xorfus: Do you mind printing something to this printer?
Melody: Really not sure you want me to do that boss.
Xorfus: Well, I did just ask you to, Melody. I was being polite. I don’t have to be.
Melody: I was just trying to warn you that this printer is acting super weird but fine, you know what? I will print something for you.
[Sound of a printer starting to boot up, followed by alarms and laser and explosion sounds.]
Computer voice: Hull breach detected on level four. Implementing emergency shields. Hull breach detected on level four. Implementing emergency shields. Hull breach detected on level four.
Xorfus: Is everyone okay?
Sam: Why does a printer have that function?
Melody: It’s a laser printer, Sam. Of course it has lasers.
Xorfus: Why did we order a printer that can literally destroy the station?
Melody: It probably can’t destroy the station, but it can just kill a lot of people and do a lot of damage, so, you know.
Sam: So, like I tried just like, thinking about fixing it and that didn’t fix it. And then I tried, like opening up the panel, but it tried to electrically shock me?
Melody: Well wouldn’t you try to shock a teenager who tried to do surgery on you?
Xorfus: I feel like that’s not quite the same thing…
Melody: It’s exactly the same thing. Now why don’t you meatbags let me try and talk to the printer and see if I can at least get it to let us help.
[awkward silence full of beeping noises, Melody mhming]
Xorfus: So… I heard we might get a solar flare later.
Sam: Oh, like, space weather. Yeah. Nice.
Melody (still talking to the printer): Yeah, no I’m right there with you.
Xorfus: It’s horrifying actually. Lots of radiation.
Melody: No, I know I dated one for a while.
Sam: But we have, like, shields? Right?
Xorfus: Legally!
Melody: Yeah. Yeah. Oh. That’s pretty funny. Hmm. (to Sam and Xorfus) Okay, I think I have it calmed down enough that you should be able to open it up. Physically that is. Obviously emotionally it's opened up which is really the first step and you should have known that because humans talk so much about your emotions and whatever. Have at it!
Sam: Okay, so we just twist this thingy, then we get this doohickey over here…
Xorfus: Move over, I can’t see.
Sam: Almost got it, almost got it.
[Majestic music plays]
Sam: Whoah.
Xorfus: It’s, it’s beautiful.
Sam: What is it?
Melody: *Deep sigh.* Organics. You act like you’ve never seen the pituitary gland of a Lapoolian space whale before.
Xorfus: Why does a printer have the pituitary gland of a space whale?
Melody: *mocking* Why does a printer have a- Why does anything have anything? If either of you had bothered to read the manual you’d know about this. It’s a good thing you have me.
Sam: So I’m guessing this isn’t the right place to fix the jam.
Melody: I don’t know, did you open panel C9 like the screen indicated? Or did you just open one at random?
Sam: I don’t see numbers or letters on any of them.
Xorfus: I do. I see… all the numbers. All the letters. I see the head of the Moon Broadcasting Company bowing down to me, declaring IFM 2 the undisputed head of audio content. I see…
Melody: Yeahhh, you should probably close that. I should have mentioned the tendency of Lapoolian Space Whale parts to make organics get visions, lets call them, that drive them slowly mad, but there were just so many warnings in that manual, you know? It’s hard to keep track of them all. And I had stuff to do, so...
Xorfus: I see a Castle. On Omicron four. And there’s ginzanga beasts. And they’re telling me it is my destiny to rule the galaxy-
Panel slams shut.
Xorfus: That was weird.
Sam: You know, we do have other printers we can use. Maybe we should just… let this one be?
Melody: I mean, do what you want. It doesn’t affect me. But if you wanted to open panel C9...
Sam: I have no idea which one that is, they’re not labelled…
Melody: Oh my God, you Syntax error. Fine, fine. I’ll project a holographic blueprint for you.
Sam: Okay. Panel C9. Hang this is gonna take a sec…*Sound of screwdriver slipping into panel and opening it* By the way, you know how we were talking about me, like, doing my own segment?
Xorfus: If you have an idea, I’m always open to hearing it.
Sam: Okay, so like, I’m thinking of like, a fiction show? And there’s a weird town, kind of ambiguously in America or maybe Canada, you know a lot of American shows are filmed in Canada because it’s cheaper because Americans kind of think of Canada as cheap America, and it’s like, a radio show in the weird town, like maybe the news show? And most of the show is this one dude- well, maybe… TWO dudes, reading calendar announcements, and it’ll seem normal at first, but then sometimes the things they say are NOT normal, and there’s like a conspiracy theory, or maybe it’s after the apocalypse, and-
Xorfus: Uh, I’m gonna stop you there. You uh- You know, that sounds like a proposal for the scripted content department. We were thinking your segment could be something closer to what non-scripted entertainment does.
Sam: Ooh, ooh, I have a really good pitch for that, too! So like, you know how you can look things up on the hypernet?
Xorfus: I’m an entity that exists, yes.
Sam: So like, what if I looked things up on the hypernet, maybe like, things about CRIMES? And then I read my entries out loud on my show-
Xorfus: After doing your own research, right?
Sam: That’s what I said! Look things up on the hypernet! Hyperpedia has all the info! Why would I look anywhere else?
Xorfus: There’s actually a lot of nuance that’s missed by going to tertiary sources. If you’re interested in journalism- AAH.
[The panel pops off, followed by the snarling of some kind of creature.]
Xorfus: Why is there a family of Raknosian Fire Badgers living in the printer?
Sam: That’s weird, they just look like normal spiders to me.
Melody: Hold on. [more beeping computer language and growls] Okay, I told it to shut off its psychic defenses.
Sam: Oh, is that like one of those “shows you your worst fear?” things?
Melody: Sort of, except it’s programmed to show you something that just kinda freaks you out. You know, just like a little bit.
Xorfus: Oh hey, I think I see the jam. Hang on, if I can just…
Sam: Let me try! I have small hands. Wait a minute. I can’t magic the printer, but…
[Sam’s magic noise]
Xorfus: Where did she go?
Melody: According to my internal sensors she’s still in the room with you.
Xorfus: Sam? Sam are you here? I’d really like to be filled in on this plan.
Sam: (but high-pitched) just a sec, I got it Mr. Xorfus.
[Sam Magic noise]
Xorfus: Did you just….?
Sam: Shrink myself down very small so I could go inside the printer and fix the jam? Yes. Don’t know why I didn’t think of it sooner, honestly.
Melody: Do you want me to try and print something to see if it's fixed?
Xorfus: I think I’d like to be in my office when we do that. Or in a shuttle. Or maybe on Earth.
Melody: Eh, suit yourself!
[printer start up noises, followed by more lasers]
Solutions to Problems was created by Austin Hendricks and Nathan Comstock. It is produced and musically scored by Michael F. Gill. Season 3 was written by Austin, Nathan, and Michael. This mini episode features Phoenix Bunke as Samantha, Chloe Cunha as Melody, and Ron Prudent as Mr. Xorfus. There’s more information about us at stppodcast.com, where you can find full transcripts of every episode as well as links to support us on PayPal and/or Radiopublic. We’ll be back again in two weeks. See you then!