Back from vacation and back in the studio, Loaf and Janet catch up with each other, and offer advice in regards to gentrification on Mars, how to avoid a mega-pet showdown between neighbors, and when you should take a blood oath seriously.
Episode 21: Summer Vacation & Crustacean Devastation
Announcer: This is IFM2.
Computer Voice: You’re listening to a program on IFM 2 Subspace Radio. The time is now half past irrelevant. Coming up next is Solutions to Problems.
Theme Song plays.
Loaf: I’m baaaaaack. That’s right. Loaf is in the house. Or rather, in the studio, on a space station, which is not a house, either in terms of being a dwelling or a structure. But I am back in the Sol system, and it is good to be here. I’ve missed this.
Janet: By this, do you mean meandering introductions, or like, the show in general? Or the station? The station is a structure, by the way, but it's not a housing structure, it's like, I get what you mean, even though there is, like temporary housing for people who get stuck here during electrical storms from the atmosphere, but we’re not supposed to live here? I don’t know. The interns are sneaky. It’s great to have you back, Loaf!
Loaf: It’s great to be back! I did get you a small present, Janet. Here.
[The present squelches.]
Janet: Wow! Thank you so much! For this neat… Armulan… slimy… item! There’s a lingering texture!
Loaf: I thought you could use it in your kitchen.
Janet: Oh! I- I can? I mean, obviously I can use it in my… kitchen. Do I eat it or… Anyway, let’s kick off the season! Loaf and I can discuss this later! Hello, lovely listeners of all makes and sizes and textures, lingering or no, and welcome to Solutions to Problems! The show where we take ambiguous slimy devices and apply them to your kitchen needs, by which I think I mean solve your problems! I’m Janet Clarke, a human, here with my recently returned co-host, Loaf, our Armulan renaissance entity. How was your trip, Loaf?
Loaf: It was eventful! Many events occurred. Feelings were caused. Some of them are still being felt by the parties involved. If you have feelings about an event in your life and these feelings have caused you to have a question, please email us at problemsrequiringsolutions@gmail.com . Or you can just feel so passionately that a network of telepaths will relay your feelings all the way back to us.
Janet: Oh, but if you’re going to do that you should definitely pay them for that? We here at Solutions to Problems do not condone unpaid emotional labor! Well, it sounds like you had a pretty wild vacation Loaf, but hopefully not so wild that you don’t have some good old fashioned wisdom for our letter writers. Shall we get started?
Loaf: Yes, I have been looking forward to giving some advice. This first letter comes from one of our nearest neighbors, the “red planet” for those of you who see in spectra that include the color red.
Dear Problem Solvers,
My family has been living on Mars for generations, all the way back when it was sparsely populated and was a quiet haven for Earth refugees. As you likely know, gentrification has hit Mars hard lately, and not only has the cost of living skyrocketed, but there are no longer any undeveloped areas of the planet where you can feel a sense of privacy with both nature and yourself. My job as a red-sand sanitation worker can no longer afford the mainland rent, so me and my siblings moved in with a set of squatters on some of the abandoned space debris in Mars' orbit. It's not like the humans, Martians, or Humartians use these ancient satellites and empty spacecrafts anymore, so might as well put them to good use, right?
Just this week, we got word from the global government that we need to abandon our makeshift floating township, because they are going to rent the debris out on SpaceBnB. The court case will probably drag on for years, but all we want is to live our lives in peace without having to deal with someone who’s always trying to push us out. Should I move back in with some cousins on Martropolis, or just give up and move to another off world colony? I don't think I have the energy to fight a long, fruitless battle against the bureaucracy, but I am open to any of your suggestions.
Best Regards,
Fighting For Autonomy
Janet: I didn’t know Mars… had nature? The terraforming efforts there were always a little hm. Half-baked.
Loaf: Technically “nature” just means whatever was “naturally” there. It doesn’t have to mean plants.
Janet: Oh, so in that case, Mars doesn’t have nature at all anymore then. Most of the red sand at this point is imported from a nearby meteorite. The original sand was, over time, sold to tourists in those like tiny little bottles for novelty keychains, or like, in sandglobes. There’s, like a mountain still probably? I think Mars had mountains. I don’t know, I’ve only been once? Mars kinda just has this vibe of like, at any moment some off-the-wall adventure is going to happen, you know? Like, maybe the darkness is going to come alive and eat you, or you’ll get pulled into a neon lit detective case fighting off evil puppets? It was like, a very weird long weekend.
Loaf: The only time I went there was a robot uprising. I hear they have a lot of those? Anyway, the SpaceBnB I was staying at was AI-run, so I literally couldn’t leave. Ruined the whole vacation.
Janet: Yeah, every few cycles a production factory goes on strike. I can’t believe you stayed in a SpaceBnB! Short term rentals are probably what’s driving the rent up so high in the first place. I understand that they operate on the assumption that our only access to the luxurious lives of the rich is by approximating them through the exploitation of our fellow proletariat, but at what cost! I mean, obviously it's cheaper. But, like, metaphorical emotional cost. Anyway, I noticed neither of ‘Fighting for Autonomy’s” choices involved sabotage, but I think they should resort to sabotage! They can’t evict you if they can’t evict you.
Loaf: The robots might be willing to help with that.
Janet: Great idea. You should always try to enlist the help of your local AI. Abandoned AIs, understandably, tend to have strong feelings regarding ownership and abandonment. If the bureaucracy really moves that slowly, there’s no reason to think they’ll be able to get to you any time soon.
Loaf: Mars is notorious for its bureaucracy- I hear they once accidentally kept a middle manager frozen for four hundred years too long- but I fear if the letter-writer is contacting us they may already know the timeline for this project. Also, Space BnB is not associated with any government, so they can probably move a bit faster.
Janet: Truuuue. Theoretically, SpaceBnB does need permits before they can begin, but I see your point. You know, the experimental satellites on Earth are now totally occupied by super intelligent chimpanzees. Slightly different situation because there was this whole thing where they threw the scientists out of the airlock and like, took sovereignty through violence, but they are officially recognized as their own mini space township now! Mostly because everyone is too afraid to kick them out. So like, maybe make them too afraid to kick you out. Murder is illegal though! Even on Mars, which did surprise me.
Loaf: That is… an option. Not one we can legally endorse on this show, but I suppose there’s no harm in pointing out its existence. If you want to stay, you will need to get organized. That can also be done in a peaceful way, with no murder at all.
Janet: Isn’t there a program on Phobos that like, pays you to live there? I hear the intense feeling of unshakeable dread isn’t so bad after your first year.
Loaf: I actually think Deimos is the one with the intense feeling of unshakeable dread. Phobos is the one with the scorpions.
Janet: Oh, you’re totally right. Scorpions aren’t so bad though! They’re only like three feet long, so it makes them super easy to spot.
Loaf: I could go for a scorpion right now.
Janet: Sure! They are edible for a small number of species. Not humans! You can also commute pretty easily from the moons in like less than five hours, so there’s that. I don’t know. You already know you don’t want to do something about your impending eviction, so like, if you want to move to another moon or in with your cousins, it’s up to you. In a few decades, probably the next place you choose to live will also get bought up by people with more capital than we could ever dream of and turned into a year long corporate retreat complete with two frozen yogurt shops and an overpriced shoe outlet. No one can live their lives in peace ever because the universe is constantly in flux, and we are presented with the choice to fight that change or move with it! Also, ice cream is just better. There. I’ve said it. Cold take.
Loaf: It’s important to realize that if you are serious about fighting for autonomy, it’s a lifelong task. There isn’t an easy answer we can give you that will make this problem go away.
Janet: Oh, you should also consider joining a local housing coalition though. There are already people doing this important work. Are we done here?
Loaf: I think we are. Especially as our next letter deals with homeowners associations, which are kind of like the dark mirror of housing coalitions. Let’s hear it.
Dear Loaf and Janet,
I have a neighbor I absolutely cannot stand. He is constantly complaining that my mini-dachshund Cottonball tears up his flower-beds and barks incessantly. Meanwhile, his mega-lobster Bradford makes unholy skittering noises at all hours of the night and smashed my garage with its massive front claw. He refuses to clean up after it, which could be a serious health hazard giving that its droppings are radioactive. Also, I saw it pop an entire goose into its gaping maw, so I’m very worried he’s just going to feed my little Cottonball to it and pretend he doesn’t know anything about it. The homeowners association has been completely useless, as I believe Bradford scares them. I can’t believe anyone could be such a hypocrite.
Anyway, I’m considering using quantum technology to expand Cottonball into a mega-dachshund - that way he would be on equal footing- but I’m afraid of starting an arms race that could lead to gigantic pets destroying the neighborhood. Is it worth the risk?
Sincerely,
Filled with Indignation at Crustacean Devastation
Janet: Hm. Sounds reasonable to me. I say go for it. You do want to account for the additional food your dog is going to require though!
Loaf: You should consider whether Cottonball wants to change sizes. I know small dogs often act like they’re larger, but it feels like a lot to spring on a being without its consent.
Janet: Oh, that’s very true. You should endeavor to get your dog’s consent first, for sure. But even then, there’s an adjustment period you need when you go from being very small to being very large. It’s going to be a lot to look after as you make sure your dog doesn’t wreak havoc on your small little subdivision.
Loaf: Your concerns about escalation and property damage are definitely reasonable. I think you’re feeling powerless and I understand that feeling, but once you violate a social norm just because someone else violated it first you open the door to a level of chaos you may not be prepared for.
Janet: You also risk bringing up insurance premiums for you and your surrounding neighborhood, especially if things do escalate to a mega-pet showdown.
Loaf: It seems like before you resort to a quantum technology-fueled confrontation you might want to try some sort of peer mediation with your neighbor? You do have to keep living with them when this is all over.
Janet: Psh. The neighbor owns a mega-lobster. They’re not a reasonable entity you can argue with.
Loaf: Is there a cultural connotation to mega-lobster ownership I’m unfamiliar with?
Janet: Uh! Anybody with a mega-lobster is over-compensating for their lack of a bright red armored shell and inability to live indefinitely barring predators or disease. Duh. It’s so obvious.
Loaf: Well now I know, I guess. Should we discuss calling animal control? That’s a thing, right?
Janet: Um, I guess so. That’s like really boring, but they do say that the neighbor is leaving its droppings around, which is illegal in most places for the reasons mentioned. That at least could get them a fine, if not removal of the crustacean in question.
Loaf: Though likely removing it forcibly would take… extensive resources. And would certainly increase tensions between the letter-writer and their neighbor. So perhaps this is more of a last resort.
Janet: The nuclear bomb to remove the nuclear fauna, so to speak.
Loaf: That actually leads very nicely into our sponsor message, if we’ve wrapped this one up. Have we?
Janet: Sure, we talked a lot. Problem solved.
Loaf: Alright. Today’s sponsor is Gravity Bombs. I know Gravity Bomb sounds like a scary space weapon, but it is, in fact, something much more harmless. And fun!
Janet: It’s like a bath bomb! And an antigrav generator! Rolled into one! I know I frequently think, while taking a bath, that wow! This would be such a better bath if also there wasn’t GRAVITY. Gravity Bombs are now here! It’s very weird! Take baths the way space travelers do!
Loaf: Disclaimer: this is not how space travelers take baths.
Janet: Gravity Bombs are now available at Bed, Bath, Bombs, Bed-Baths, Bath Bombs and Beyond. Get the new trend everyone on the hypernet is raving about. Gravity Bombs are not for everyone. Please keep Gravity Bombs away from children, the elderly, and any entities with a higher than 95% liquid composition. In some cases, space drowning has been reported. Only use Gravity Bombs with adult supervision. Yes, you can be the adult, but only if you can supervise yourself. For more information about Gravity Bombs, go anywhere on the hypernet because search engines are real and so are you. I think there’s a website, but they didn’t provide it in the copy. Whatever, it’s not my job to find the website. You can find the website yourself.
Loaf: We believe in you, listeners! And now onto our final letter, from a planet near and dear to several of my hearts.
Loaf and Janet,
Please answer this quickly. I have a huge problem. I’m a Raknosian who recently moved to a space platform inhabited by a wide variety of species. I was excited to start my new job as an accountant as it seemed considerably more peaceful than my previous life as a ritual combat referee. A week or so ago, a new potential partner suddenly broke up with me, so I did as the humans do: went out to a bar and got “absolutely wasted” to the point that I “blacked out.” I only remember a few random images from that night. Then, yesterday, this human I’ve never seen before shows up at my office and tells me I swore a blood oath with him to avenge some dude named Kyle. This human wants me to leave tomorrow to go track down Kyle’s killers and murder their entire families. I don’t want to murder anyone! Besides, I’ve checked and I don’t have the traditional tattoo that indicates a blood oath, just some smudged permanent marker. Clearly, this is all a misunderstanding, and I’m definitely not using my vacation days for this. That said, I don’t have many friends here, and I’m hesitant to ghost on my only recent acquaintance. How can I get out of this while preserving this burgeoning friendship?
Please write back quickly!
Definitely not about Ritual combat
Loaf: We sure do have a following among Raknosians. We seem to have developed a reputation for answering questions about ritual combat. I’m not sure how this started, and I sort of want it to stop.
Janet: Well, Frankie was saying that about 67% of the letters we receive are regarding or related to ritual combat, so if we’re reading it right now, it means she considered it relatively unique. It seems like the basis of this misunderstanding is a speciesist assumption that all Raknosians both enjoy and participate in ritual combat, which, as we’ve gone over on the show before, simply isn’t true.
Loaf: It’s a pity the only thing anyone knows about Raknosian culture is the ritual combat. There’s so many more interesting facets of Raknosian civilization. Like did you know they have a unique musical ensemble? It consists of four musicians each playing a different sized mallet percussion instrument made from the ribcages of enemies they defeated in ritual combat. Actually that was a bad example. Hang on I’ll think of something,
Janet: Oh, I know one. So, they do these gorgeous mosaics all over the town squares that are- Well. Okay, so, the tiles get their gorgeous blue color from the blood of the fallen. So maybe not that either. But they’re really spectacular.
Loaf: The point is our letter writer doesn’t want to participate in the ritual combat and it's unfair of these humans to try and rope her into their feud.
Janet: Super unfair. Fight your own blood feuds y’all! I do wonder about the permanent marker not quite tattoo. Maybe the humans thought they were binding you? If you’re lucky, this was all a practical joke in extremely poor taste. I mean. If it’s a joke, it’s a joke where it ends with you attempting to murder someone, so? Hmmm... not sure about this. I don’t think I would want to be friends with these people. I bet Kyle was like, super boring anyway.
Loaf: That’s… fair. It seems like an extremely shaky foundation for a friendship. Most likely you can do better. But if you really want to find a way out of this “blood oath” the “tattoo” is your answer. If it’s not really ink mixed with their blood, it’s not legally binding, according to Raknosian law and custom.
Janet: Wow that sounds really unhygienic!
Loaf: Actually Raknosians have a very low rate of dying from blood-borne illnesses.
Janet: Well, the statistics are skewed because they tend to die from ritual combat or getting devoured by their siblings first. But yeah, permanent ink, despite its misleading name, is not legally binding. So, LOAF, speaking of ritual combat, any good stories from your vacation? I heard some of the shows you did! And, you said there were events! Tell us the drama. Tell us the drama in audio format.
Loaf: Oh, I don’t know if our listeners really want to hear all that. It was all mudpits and slime-rolling and school plays. Boring stuff like that.
Janet: But Loaf! You love talking about the mudpits, and we’re still within our fifteen minute buffer zone of content delivery with no letters left.
Loaf: Well, I did enjoy spending time with the youngest brood. They had their… there is no translation or analog. They observed an important ritual, and I was present for it, and it was enjoyable.
Janet: Like a birthday? Or a bar/bat mitzvah? Or a quinceañera?
Loaf: In that it is an event which marks a transition from childhood into a later stage of childhood… maybe! It has to do with our molting schedule. It’s nominally a celebration of their first antler-buds coming in, but it also has to do with choosing a gender- or it used to when it was originally started. But we choose our genders a lot later than we did back then, so that part of the ceremony has fallen out of favor. I am boring you. I feared I would. How are things here? How’s Sam working out? As an intern?
Janet: Who? Oh, Oh yeah, Sam, yeah. Uh, she’s still working here. Doing work. Loaf, I don’t come to work when you’re out of town. I also took a vacation. I’m not allowed to be on-air solo at this current time.
Loaf: Right. But you are still allowed to be on the air, so... that worked out. Congratulations, I guess.
Janet: I am still employed! Yes. So, what was it like to see your spouses? That had to be great, right? Getting some personal time in with them?
Loaf: Oh yes, they are all...wonderful. And so many in-laws. You have no idea how many in-laws you have when you have thirteen spouses, each of whom have an arbitrarily large number of siblings each of whom have thirteen spouses. It’s basically just the whole planet.
Janet: Oh, I wouldn’t know about in-laws. I’ve never met the parents of anyone I’ve dated! How weird, right? Were your spouses happy to see you? It’s not like you to be so vague!
Loaf: There were, as I said at the beginning of this episode, a lot of feelings. Some positive feelings and some other feelings as well. Maybe too many feelings. Look at the time! Certainly not enough of it to catalog all of the feelings and the conversations which led to and resulted from them. Let’s get some mind altering substances. TGIF am I right?
Janet: Ah, well, actually it’s Thursday- do you know what TGIF stands for?
Loaf: I thought it was “Thursday: Get Intoxicated Fabulously.”
Janet: No. Who told you that? It’s “Thank Goodness It’s Friday” You know what? Nevermind. I’m down to alter my mind in a legal way. I am NOT doing switcherooni’s again though. Let’s go to a nice bar this time.
Loaf: Yes, a nice human bar. I have been craving human potato skins. With human bacon. Not bacon made from humans obviously, just bacon prepared by humans in the human style.
Janet: Um, okay. Uh, I didn’t know you ate meat but sure. Potato skins it is. Uh, Loaf, Loaf are you just leaving? Oh, okay! One second! Be right there!
[gentle squishing]
Janet: [quietly] Uhh, sign off. Sign off, right. [Normally] Goodnight gentle listeners, we’re very glad to be back with you, and to help solve all the unique problems you’ve managed to come up with. Bye!
Solutions to Problems was created by and features the voices of Austin Hendricks and Nathan Comstock. It is produced and musically scored by Michael F. Gill. Our theme is by Thomas Dwyer. Season 3 was written by Austin, Nathan, and Michael. This episode’s letters were read by Alex Gallegos, Dallas Mugno, and Kira Apple. All three of them can be heard on the Superstition podcast, which also features our own Nathan Comstock, Check it out! There’s more information about us at stppodcast.com, where you can find full transcripts of every episode as well as links to support us on PayPal and/or Radiopublic. We’ll be back again in two weeks with more Solutions to Problems.
[bar noise]
Janet (slurring): So I was like, I was like clearly in the right, because everyone knows that time exists in multiple parallel dimensions at once, and they were arguing for recursive time loop theory! Loaf, you’re not paying attention, you’re not paying attention- Loaf, are you paying attention? This is like- What is, what, what is that? What are you drinking now. Can I drink that? The last thing you gave me put a hole in my tongue, its like a small hole but- What does that- Loaf, I don’t speak Armulan- Eee- ee? Is that a no? Oh, you’re giving it to me. Okay. If I die, you have to tell Melody you did it, and also tell my ghost if she virtually cried. I’m definitely going to have a ghost. Like, four ghosts. Four ghosts. Can you have more than one ghost? I think you… should. OH GOD. (coughing) [sound of falling] [Janet talking, but sounding slightly farther away] So like, anyway, pocket universes. Not the same as time loops, but they have certain foundational principles in common-(fades out)