Frankie and Officer Nassif play phone tag regarding IFM2's paradox-fixed contracts, and some disturbing timelines that may or may not have happened. Meanwhile, The Network of Janets have a groupchat to discuss temporal displacement coordinates, dating gossip, and whether or not certain Janets are keeping up with their tasks.
Mini Ep. 8: The Network of Janets
[voicemail tone]
Frankie: Hi Officer Nassif, it’s Frankie. Again. We need to go over your contract for the next season of the show. Please call me back so we can get this renewed.
[voicemail tone]
Officer Nassif: Hello, Ms. “Frankie”. I am no longer interested in renewing my contract. Please do not contact me further on this matter. Sincerely, Officer Nassif.
[voicemail tone]
Frankie: Hi Officer Nassif, it’sss Frankie again. You know you’re not supposed to sign voicemails like you do letters, right? You can say goodbye, but it’s weird to say sincerely. Anyway, according to your original contract, you were signed on to do four seasons of the show with the option to negotiate terms in between each season. You aren’t allowed to opt out until Season 5. If you don’t approve your season 3 contract before the deadline, we’ll have to pursue a complaint of breach of contract. Now, I understand that this contract was made… four, maybe five timelines ago, but it’s paradox-fixed, so it’s still legal in most jurisdictions, including this one. I look forward to hearing back from you so I can get back to my actual job.. Thanks.
[chill music]
Janet 1: Janets?
Janet 2: Yes, Janet.
Janet 1: So we’re still waiting on?
Janet 2: Janet HB7gamma6
Janet 1: Of course. AKA, the Janet who is literally always late.
Janet 2: No, that’s Janet HB7gamma5 and-
Janet 3: I’m here!
Janet 2: ...She’s here. Janet HB7gamma6 is apparently stuck at the DSV. She texted me a frowny face with two exclamation points, so like, probs a few more minutes.
Janet 1: Well, we can start without her and she can deal. Ugh, why doesn’t she just time loop the DSV like the rest of us?
Janet 3: She says it feels too much like a greek tragedy to be stuck in a hopeless place on endless repeat for a small, insignificant goal to be reached.
Janet 2: It’s totally not insignificant to get her space license renewed! We like, don’t want to get caught just for a basic crime.
Janet 1: Anyway, we can start without her. Janet, will you begin?
Janet 3: Um, sorry I was like a whole second late. So, I was getting coffee with Ashti-
Janet 2: O.M.G., Ashti? That’s like, level ten exciting.
Janet 3: She is just so cute. It was such, like, an aesthetic date too! We got a really great selfie together.
Janet 1: Oh wow, Elisa is going to be totes super jelzy.
Janet 3: Right?? She is gonna be super jelly belly. Anyway, I was getting coffee with Ashti, and she like, outdid herself. She got us four different blueprints and their temporal displacement coordinates.
Janet 2: You must take her to dinner. Do you have that retro nitro-steak place on your timeline?
Janet 3: Um, we had one, but it got shut down for being involved in a political insurrection.
Janet 2: Oh, that’s such a major bummer. There’s always Plaza on the luxury station.
Janet 3: Everybody goes to Plaza.
Janet 1: Oh yes, absolutely do not take her to Plaza. Maybe like, um, oh do you have that super-vegan recycled carbon food truck in your biodome? That is a great date. You go and you get the repurposed newspaper tacos-
Janet 2: Oh, my gosh, yah. You have to get the yesterday’s newsprint special-
Janet 1: Right, those, super good, and you walk around the rose garden, but only in the middle of the path because-
Janet 2: The roses bite.
Janet 1: Yeah, because the roses bite, so you should take her there. It’s very revolutionary-chic.
Janet 3: Oh, she’s like, really into revolutionary chic.
Janet 1: Well like, clearly, she’s doing crimes with us.
Janet 3: She made me a mixtape, which was like, totally romantic.
Janet 2: We gotta like, make sure she doesn’t get arrested because it would be super rude. Anyway, good for you, pleaaase send out the blueprints to the groupchat and include your selfie.
[beep]
Janet 4: OH my gosh, I’m so sorry I’m late. The DSV was like, unusually slow, and I didn’t want to time loop or anything because-
Janets [kinda in synch]: The greek tragedy thing yeah whatever.
Janet 4: So, what did I miss??
Janet 3: Oh. Everything with Ashti is just great. I got the blueprints AND a mixtape.
Janet 4: Oh my gosh! Radical. Haha, like, radical as in politically, because she’s kinda revolutionary-
Janets: Revolutionary chic-
Janet 1: Yes, we went over this already, Ms.. Mss. Late. Person.
Janet 4: Okay, well like, I have an update. The Multi-Asynchronous Continuous Grounding Unit For Functional Interdimensional Navigation is now being kept in dimension 34598u43 pwwlakjs90sdfj, which makes things super simple!
Janet 2: Such a relief.
Janet 4: We should maybe have a codename for it, so like, if they’re scanning signals they don’t hear us chatting away over here.
Janet 1: We could just do the initials?
Janet 4: Ugh, initialisms are soooo last year. Everyone does initialisms.
Janet 1: I mean, no, not everyone does initialisms. Maybe in your timeline, because your timeline is not cool.
[voicemail tone]
Nassif: Frankie. Sorry if I was a bit… curt earlier. I have been thinking and I think I would like to re-negotiate some of the specifics of my contract. I was wondering if I could meet directly with… Ms. Clarke. There are some… other matters I need to discuss with her. I am curious however, has she ever mentioned the Multi-Asynchronous Continuous Grounding Unit For Functional Interdimensional Navigation? Just a little thing we have. Just curious if she has ever mentioned it before. I look forward to hearing from you. Best, Officer Nassif.
[voicemail tone]
Frankie: Hi Officer. Janet talks constantly about things all the time, and it’s not my job to keep track of it. She might have mentioned it in one of her many rants. I wouldn’t know. If you want to discuss on-air matters, then we can have Janet in the room for that negotiation, but I do need to be present to represent the best interests of IFM2, since, for obvious reasons, we can’t let Janet do that. I’ve sent you a new version of the contract that makes some of the changes you suggested. Also, best? Really? I’ve never understood best. Best what? Wishing me the best? Best day? Best person in this conversation? I don’t think you have a sense of humor, but if you do, are you messing with me? Really, best? Bye.
[chill music resumes]
Janet 1: So, Janets, I’m a little worried about Janet.
Janet 2: Oh my gosh, yeah! She’s like, totes ignoring the group chat right now.
Janet 3: You let a Janet get a little bit famous and it goes straight to her head.
Janet 2: She’s not even realllly famous. She’s just a radio host. That’s- You can’t even get a letter for that. There’s no Z-list celebrities. She might not even be Z-list celebrity, if that was even a thing.
Janet 4: That’s a little harsh. I think maybe like Z-list? She did get recognized at a supermarket that one time.
Janet 1: Oh, so true. Anyway, I’m just not sure she’s on board. She’s supposed to be tracking Officer Nassif and I think she’s just not? She’s been “working on her interpersonal skills”
Janet 3: She should be working on her inter-Janet skills!
Janet 1: She’s worried that’s too insular and also, that we are making her weird. Which is very illogical.
Janet 2: Well, she can get over it. She’ has to stick to the plan, just like all of us. She’s the only one who’s almost friends with a TARTI agent.
Janet 1: Well, there’s also... Janet.
Janet 3: Ugh, we don’t talk about traitors here. Anyway, back to Janet. Do you think they’re really friends? He won’t let her call him Armin.
Janet 4: Yeah, but they, like, hang out.
Janet 1: Okay, so, maybe this is wrong, but someone told me that interrogations don’t count as hanging out.
Janets: [cries of disbelief]
Janet 1: I know. Apparently, like, not every situation where you’re just in a room with someone interacting is ‘hanging out’?? Intent is important?
Janet 3: That. I don’t know. That sounds fake. Does that mean I’m not friends with my boss?
Janet 2: Um, I mean, didn’t your boss get you accused of treason?
Janet 3: Oh, the charges were dropped because I had detailed records of their grocery purchases, but yeah, looking back, that was a little rude.
Janet 1: Yeah, it was like, maybe more than a little rude. But like, yeah, coworkers don’t count as hanging out because we’re there to work and not to hang out, apparently?
Janet 4: Oh, like, [scoffs], is this because capitalism?
Janet 1: Yeah, this is almost certainly capitalism’s fault. I suppose, even though she’s dragging her feet, she is still keeping up with her tasks.
Janet 2: Anyway. Oh. My gosh! I am so ready to never have to deal with TARTI again.
Janet 3: No more being time-tracked~~~
Janet 4: I am gonna wreck my timeline so bad.
Janet 2: Like, completely shove it into the ground. Just grind it into little time pieces.
Janet 1: *wisftul sigh* Well, ladies-
Janet 2: I think that’s kind of a gendered sign-out.
Janet 3: We are all ladies though.
Janet 2: Maybe just stick to Janets.
Janet 1: Okay, fine! Well, Janets. We all have our assignments. In approximately…20 weeks, we strike! Please note on your calendars that the run-throughs are mandatory. If the Janets in your sector are having any problems, they should report it A S A P.
[voicemail tone]
Nassif: Frankie, there have been some… or there will be some.. future issues in some timeline.. maybe not this one… time is tricky… I’ll start over. TARTI has detected some disturbing possible timelines which I really need to discuss with Miss Clarke. Also, I looked over the pages you sent me and some of the language is vague to the point that I feel signing it would be irresponsible to other versions of myself. So I do think some specific clauses need to be clarified. I’d like to accomplish all of this at the same time and, as always, Ms. Clarke is dodging my calls. So I would appreciate it if you could set this up.
Your associate,
Officer Nassif
P.S. If she does mention the you-know-what, please contact me right away.
[voicemail tone]
Frankie: PS? Really? How do you not understand phones? Is this like, a thing that happens when you spend too much time before phones were invented? Whatever. It’s not my problem. I’ve set up the meeting for next Thursday at nineteen-hundred hours. It’s in conference room C. I hope Janet shows up, but honestly, who knows with her. See you then.
[voicemail tone]
Frankie: I don’t hope Janet shows up.
Solutions to Problems was created by Austin Hendricks and Nathan Comstock. It is produced and musically scored by Michael F. Gill. Season 3 was written by Austin, Nathan, and Michael. This mini episode features Austin Hendricks as Janet, Valerie Loveland as Frankie, and Ramy Abdelghani as Nassif. There’s more information about us at stppodcast.com, where you can find full transcripts of every episode as well as links to support us on PayPal and/or Radiopublic. We’ll be back again in two weeks with another mini-episode. See you then!