Janet is profiled on the true crime show "The Time Travel Tapes." Loaf, Frankie, Sam, and Melody listen in while waiting to visit with Janet, who is in a holding center before her trial.
[A new, soothing intro music plays briefly]
Kurt: Welcome to The Time Travel Tapes, the show where we profile timeline criminals, and the time cops who pursue them. I'm your host, Kurt Damariscotta. Today, the case of Janet Clarke, a radio host and longtime time tourist, who found herself in the middle of the plot to steal TARTI’s Multi-Asynchronous Continuous Grounding Unit For Functional Interdimensional Navigation, aka the MACGUFFIN. It's a gripping tale of snurblatch and mouse, as Officer Armin Nassif chased Ms. Clarke through multiple parallel realities, all the while trying to infiltrate a secret underground network of alternate Janets that were conspiring against him. We're going to take a deep dive into Janet's history, and we've got exclusive interviews with all the key figures in the case, which is still ongoing, so sit back, relax, and float through the void of time and space with us, here, on The Time Travel Tapes, presented by UPR7, Universal Public Radio.
[music fades out, “Rondo alla Turca” by Mozart plays]
Announcer Voice: Funding for UPR7 comes from listeners like you, as well as The Space Yakety Sax Foundation, The Universal Endowment For Criminal Art, and The Susan & Jackie & Steve & Brian & Wendy & Johnny & Peggy Charitable Trust.
[musical cue]
Kurt: Janet Clarke was born in the sunken swamplands of the former United States of America, on the planet Earth. Her mother Theresa (who goes by Terry), was a mech pilot and her other parent was a professor of culinary philosophy. Terry recalls the young Janet taking an early interest in technology, despite her lack of mental fortitude.
Terry: Oh, yeah, Jan was always like, sticking her head in the garage when we had the robots out. The kid could barely count and she wanted to help me out with the coding or planning flight coordinates. She was always kinda spacey. Couldn’t ever remember to do her homework, but the second she got home you’d find her taking apart the toaster oven, components everywhere. She never figured out how to get ‘em back together though. I mean, it was fine, I know what’s what with a toaster oven, but in some other family she woulda been expensive.
[Archival clip]
Terry: Janey, what have you got there?
Janet: Robots!
Terry: No, hon, that’s a watch.
Janet: Robots!!!
Terry: No.
[/Archival clip ends]
[New Archival clip begins]
Janet: Okay, so, um, my presentation is on the advent of AIs in online musical archives. Um, so the first known online musical archive was a revolutionary “””weebsite””” on the “interweeb” called “Nap-star”, which was owned by Justin Timberlake.
[/Archival clip]
Kurt: But Janet’s interest in AI wasn’t just academic….
[Clip]
Libby: So, Janet and I met in the library at Colgate Toothpaste University, where I was the filing system. She was sweet, if a little easily distractible. I don’t think I was her first AI girlfriend, but she was always kind of cagey about those things. She hated talking about herself. We used to stay up all night writing .exe files together.
Kurt: That was Libby, Janet’s college girlfriend. I asked Libby whether Janet had demonstrated any unusual predilection for time travel when she knew her. This is what she had to say:
Libby: If she was already time travelling, she didn’t talk to me about it. But she did ask me to look up stuff about the past. Like a lot. Like really specific stuff. Fashions, uh… sports scores, that kind of thing. Like, one time she was like, [sound of a file loading]
Janet’s voice: Libby, I feel like bread should always costs three dollars, unless it’s paleo bread or whatever, cause that’s actually just an eggwhite abomination and we shouldn’t pretend it can make sandwiches. Like, trust me here Libby, it’s so not bread. You would think in the four hundred years since people decided to design a fake regressive diet that they would know how to make it edible instead of constantly ruining egg whites, you know? But then they just keep saying that technology isn’t natural even though NEITHER IS THEIR EGG WHITE BREAD. Just like, trust me here. It looks like a cloud but it sinks hearts, Libby.” [sound of file ending]
Libby: She went on like this for four hours, upon which I concluded our relationship.
Kurt: Janet got her first radio job in college, where she hosted the popular show “A Series of Curated Sounds,” and moved to one of the floating housing complexes outside Starship Sector ETH, right by Earth's moon.
[Archival Clip]
Janet: Hey everyone, it’s me, JC, for Janet Clarke, not Jesus Christ, even though in English we have the same initials, depending on if you think Christ is his last name or his title. Is it his last name? I don’t really know, we didn’t really do ‘religion’ because the ‘only god is the void that will come for all of us one day as I have seen it in the mecha’s engine in the fires of battle, Janey’ or whatever. You know, mom stuff. Alright then, today’s curated sounds are: A potoo bird chirping, a cat signing the alphabet, Jennifer Lawrence’s fifth clone complaining to a waiter about the crust on her cauliflower pizza, Jennifer Lawrence’s fourth clone crying after being asked to explain Mother!, and five minutes of the ocean gently lapping against the crater where Plymouth Rock used to be, because we blew up Plymouth Rock and it was really cool. These birds are like, so cute. They look like frogs only not really at all, but they have large mouths, which frogs also have-
[end clip]
Kurt: Her skill at creating and disrupting time loops allowed her to nail a hosting position at IFM2, the largest intergalactic radio station in the Moon/Earth/Mars market.
Mr. Xorfus: I remember the day she first came in, she seemed like a wave of bubbly electric light, a light the station desperately needed in order to help improve its ratings. It was like she knew everything I wanted her to say before I even asked. She helped, she helped. Also, we wanted a new co-host for Solutions To Problems that wouldn't keep throwing up when they were in a room with an Armulan. Humans, am I right? Besides, we already had “Smell You Right Now”, the show where the hosts discussed a new unpleasant smell every week, so we didn’t want Solutions to Problems turning into a second iteration of that.
Kurt: That's Krekamalach Xorfus, IFM2's programming manager.
Mr. Xorfus: She wasn't the most....palatable bi-ped, but she brought in the money and sponsors. Listeners enjoyed her rapport with [Dolphin Noise], and she even helped bring in an omnipotent teenage intern.
[Acrhival clip]
Sam [on the air]: Hi everyone! I'm magic! I’m so excited to be in the studio! Like, officially on air, and not just crashing the show!
[/end clip]
Mr. Xorfus: I mean, she did try. If we told her she was being horrible, there was some effort made to be less horrible. I’ve had worse employees. There was this one Morph who kept trying to eat the production staff in the culinary studio. Like, we explained over and over again that the food was for eating, and the staff was not, but they just didn’t get it! Something about, ‘food should be what’s running away from you!’ Anyway, they didn’t work out. I hear they’re on TMZZZ now. I don’t know though. They haven’t been on air in a while because something keeps happening to their camera entities.
Kurt: [Dolphin Noise], better known to human listeners as Loaf, had been hosting Solutions To Problems, a relationship advice show, for many years before Janet joined the show.
Loaf: My first cohost at Solutions to Problems was a Flamboon named Crelia, she was really excellent, very different from Janet, but she wanted to break into dream theater, and there were some problems with our dynamic, especially for our human listeners. The station felt like, because we are located close to Earth, a lot of humans tuned in, and it would be good to have a person who could kind of bridge the cultural gap. Flamboons are very empathetic, but they tend to absorb the emotional outlook of the organisms they spend time with, so Crelia was also starting to sound a lot like me by the end.
Kurt: I was actually asking about Janet, though.
Loaf: Right, Janet. Sorry, I get distracted sometimes. Janet is really the human I think of when I think of humans. I really think she exhibits most of their best and worst qualities.
Kurt: Best and worst?
Loaf: Humans tend to be uniquely self-obsessed, but they are capable of thinking communally, they just kind of have to be tricked into it. Janet actually does care about her friends, it just takes her a really long time to establish a friendship and she’ll never actually admit it exists. It’s a pretty typical human pattern, it just took me a long time to figure out. Her advice was usually pretty solid as well. She has a knack for deep-sounding monologues that seem impressive until you actually think about them.
[clip of STP]
Janet: Life is just this big thing, you know? Life is this big bowl of salad that has all these different elements in it, and sometimes they’re good and sometimes they’re not good and sometimes you think it’s healthy, but actually the dressing is mostly butter but also there’s a parallel philosophy that says the nutrients in the leaves or whatever kind of still make it healthy even though there’s also butter? And like, some people think olive oil is healthier than butter because even though they’re both fats they’re different fats, and one is good and one is bad, but like you can buy butter that’s only the good fats now, because science, but people still say it isn’t healthy because science made it healthy? So letter writer, it’s just like this: sometimes your salad has raspberries and sometimes it doesn’t, and we just have to live with that. Dump him.
[clip ends]
Kurt: Janet & Loaf discussed their thoughts and philosophies about advice shows on IFM2's MetaWeek last year, and they are joined in this clip by their production assistant Frankie Zee, and the station AI Melody.
[clip starts]
Janet: What IS the purpose of advice shows, because there’s no way it’s giving advice. I mean, there are now so many shows whose only purpose is just to review other advice shows.
Frankie: It’s gossip, I think.
Loaf: For some entities, it's hearing other entities' problems and feeling better about your own in comparison.
Melody: Schadenfreude, basically. Advice shows works better when the hosts genuinely want to *sneering* help people, but a little narcissism and capitalistic drive can also go a long way in entertaining audiences.
Janet: A lot of people think THEY are the ones with the unique ideas to tackle these problems. But when you actually have to do it each week, the thrill of judging beings and giving recommendations from on high fades, especially when the solutions are often straightforward and/or repetitive. I can't count how many times I've said variations of "just communicate directly", "get off the hypernet," or "you should try therapy." Like, honestly, just listen to yourselves! Some people already know the solution to their problem.
Frankie: I think a lot of people want validation more than they want advice. Sometimes we have to set them straight.
[archival clip]
Janet: So, cool, you’re just like, a bad person, so maybe you should just work on that?
[/end clip]
[clip begins]
Janet: I feel some people have this intense unshakeable narrative of their problem in their head, and they are hoping the hosts will agree that their situation is totally hopeless. But like, most things aren’t really that hopeless. Well, sometimes they are. Like, you can’t really come back from a dramatic meltdown in your office in which you rightfully but illegally accuse your boss of murder, but you can just get a new job? Like, obviously, a little harder without recent references, but you can make it work, and get that work.
Melody: Ooh, nice wordplay Janet! And you’re right, there are a bunch of letters with a “I dare you to solve my unsolvable problem that I continue to actively make more unsolvable” type vibe to them.
Janet: Most problems can also be solved just by moving to a new planet. Like, what’s the point of the space age if not constant deferral of responsibility? If you only had ONE planet you could live on you’d be so screwed, but we have thousands of planets to live on and ruin our lives on.
Loaf: Many listeners are too shy to call in with their own problem, but hear a version of it on our show, and are able to get some advice by proxy. So, that's helpful. Also, our listeners and staff are constantly being confronted with the present-day reality of what problems sentient beings are experiencing, so maybe, just maybe, when they go out to their little corner of the universe and meet someone else facing a similar problem, they can empathize and/or relate, instead of brushing the issue off, or finding it unrelatable. Really we’re just trying to create a more harmonious universe.
Melody: You just keep telling yourself that buddy. I’ll be over here cashing a fat paycheck.
[clip ends]
Kurt: Our story starts to pick up with the arrival of Armin Nassif, a time officer at TARTI, who signed on to do a recurring guest role on the show.
Kurt: So when did you first meet Janet Clarke?
Nassif: Any question starting with the word “when” is a very complicated question to ask a time agent. In a sense, I met Janet when I was a teenager. In another, equally viable sense, I’ve only known her for a few years. I apparently signed, or will sign a contract to assist with time-travel-related questions on Solutions to Problems. But I’ve begun to think that the timeline where I signed that contract no longer exists. But that doesn’t mean it didn’t happen. Except in a very real sense it does. And it didn’t. Does that make sense?
Kurt: Not really at all.
Nassif: And you host a show about time travel?
Kurt: I am merely an asker of questions in a world with too many.
Nassif: You should really look this stuff up.
Kurt: When we return, we’ll tell you how Janet was secretly contacted by a cabal of alternate versions of herself, and how agent Nassif infiltrated this clandestine network of dopplegangers. But first, a message from our sponsors.
[a chiptune cover of “Moment Musicaux” by Franz Shubert plays]
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Kurt: Welcome back to The Time Travel Tapes, I'm your host, Kurt Damariscotta. So, as part of their timeline optimization project, Janets from all different timelines started communicating with each other, creating a network of Janets whose knowledge of time travel and each other could fill many lengthy tomes, and--[radio fizzes out]
Melody: I’ve had enough of THAT.
Sam: But I wanna know what happens!
Frankie: Kind of exploitative that they already have a true crime show about this when the case isn’t even resolved yet.
Melody: Oh, yeah, they start recording those every time a weird crime is reported. The UPR office has like, two hundred half episodes where the crimes ended up being resolved in ways too boring to have commented on by two comedians. They interviewed Janet’s mom like, three months ago? She didn’t even know there was a crime. She thought it was for a pop culture feature.
Frankie: Did you get along with her mom?
Melody: Oh, I suppose. I mean, who wouldn’t get along with me? But we only met that one time when she came into the studio. I just read all of Janet’s e-mails. For fun. And blackmail.
Loaf: Don’t you read everyone’s emails though?
Melody: Ha, ha. No. *wink wink*
Sam: You’re not actually supposed to say “wink” right?
Melody: Well not all of us have eyelids to wink with, so Yeah! Maybe I do say “wink wink” sometimes!
Frankie: Does Janet really say anything incriminating in her work e-mails?
Melody: Well, not yet, but to be clear, I read all her e-mails. Not just the work ones. She has a personal one, an alternate personal one, a crime one, and one that’s only associated with her Romance Asteroid fanfiction account.
Loaf: Is that… legal?
Melody: Fan fiction, well, I’m not sure, but in my opinion it shouldn’t be, but anyway, it’s not like anyone’s listening to us to say whether it is or not. Besides, spying is a form of intimacy.
Frankie: Sam, it is not. Do not listen to Melody.
Robot voice: Clarke, Janet, is now able to entertain one visitor.
Sam: Just one! That’s like, so unfair.
Frankie: You could, you know, snap snap. I didn’t want to see her anyway. It just seemed weird to be the only one not going.
Sam: Uh, actually I don’t know if I can...
Frankie: You can’t?
Sam: Yeah, its, uh…
Robot voice: Clarke, Janet is now able to entertain one visitor. This offer will expire in thirty seconds.
Loaf: I guess I should go in. I’ll give her your best.
[sound of Loaf walking / door opening]
Janet [playing virtual tennis]: Oh hey! Loaf, what’s up? Do you want to play tennis? The version they have is like, five years old, but the haptics aren’t that bad.
Loaf: This is… nicer than I expected.
Janet: Oh yeah, I like, asked really nicely, with money to get put in the financial crimes section, because technically that made me a financial criminal. They don’t have a swimming pool, but you can’t win ‘em all.
Loaf: Ah. Well. Good. Uh, everyone came down to see you, but apparently they only let one visitor in at a time.
Janet: Oh, yeah. That’s cause like, a few Janets tried to visit, and they decided it would be confusing to have more than two of us present at any given time, which is like super rude but whatever. But like, who came? Like, is it everyone? Is everyone you and Sam?
Loaf: And Frankie. And Melody, sort of. She uploaded a splinter consciousness into a repair drone. Mr. Xorfus is looking after Muffin. I didn’t think his other parents would want him visiting here.
Janet: Melody is SUCH a romantic. Is Muffin staying here for a while with you? That’s so cute.
Loaf: We’ve reached an agreement, of sorts. He’s going to spend a few weeks with me every year. Armulan weeks and years though. I think it’s, a, good for me to, uh still be a father, a little? So have you heard any news about your trial? Or...
Janet: It’s in a few weeks. I mean, I have the best lawyer and five kinds of virtual sports, so I’m, like, not worried about it. It’s not like I did any real crimes.
Loaf: I… am fairly certain they’re still real crimes, Janet.
Janet: Uh, like the only real crime is murder, so like, it’s gonna be easy. How’s your divorce going? Oh, do you want any coffee? I can get us some coffee.
Loaf: Coffee would be nice actually. Uh, well we found a brood officiator who has dealt with this before, it was slumbering deep beneath the surface waiting for this very situation. So it’s helping us deal with all the financial stuff, and drafting what the humans would call a visitation agreement, ensuring that I can see my broodlings from time to time. I think it's going to be alright.
Janet: Right, that’s cool, like logistical stuff, or whatever, but I meant, like emotionally? I mean, I’ve never gotten divorced but it seems like it’s not optimal.
Loaf: It’s not. But the fact is, I wasn’t a good spouse. I was… not really invested in the other thirteen people in that relationship. And coming home just really solidified that. But at the same time, I really got to meet Muffin and his brood for the first time. They were so young when I left, you know. And I want to be a part of their lives. So we’re going to find a way to make that work. I’m sure my spouses will find a new third protohusband someday. Or they won’t and that’s okay.
Janet: It seems like a pretty big change though? Like, last year you acted like you didn’t really want to be a parent at all.
Loaf: It’s different when you actually meet your children and they’re real people and not just grubs. Why are we still talking about me? You’re the one in holding!
Janet: Like, what does it mean to be held? Like, isn’t it just reality holding us in place? What’s the purpose of a holding center- well, actually its very clearly that they don’t want me to do any more time travel, so they’ve stuck me in here so that I can’t do time travel. But, you know, like, philosophically, why am I being held? Who can say? Do you want, like, a drip coffee or an espresso? I think I have a couple of options though? I can get a menu.
Loaf: Ooh, espresso. How long… I mean, do I need to be looking for a new host? Or an interim host?
Janet: I mean, I think I have a good chance of getting out before the season break is over, which would be like, extremely convenient timing. My lawyer is so awesome. She’s like, a temporal law specialist. She thinks she can get it dismissed in court or whatever, for like, law reasons, like “lack of evidence”. You could always just have Sam and Frankie fill in until the verdict. They seem to love doing it!
Loaf: Uh, yes. I suppose I could try that. I was also thinking I might call up Crelia, see if she wanted to come back for an episode or two. The old fans might like that.
Janet: Sure. I’ve...been doing a lot of thinking. Like, only having access to approved entertainment instead of the endless bounty of stuff on the hypernet has really been forcing me to re-weigh my priorities, you know? Like, I don’t think I have to totally give up on the other Janets, but like, I think I need to stop doing crimes with them. I’m not going to have bribe money forever!
Robot voice: Visitor for Clarke, Janet, please report back to the lobby. The allotted visiting time has elapsed.
Janet: Thanks for dropping by! You should come back next week if I’m not out yet.
Loaf: I thought you said the trial-
Janet: Time travel! I mean, not time travel, because that is illegal. But like, a special flavor of time travel specifically for the purpose of speeding up this trial.
Loaf: Uh, right. See you soon, my friend. See you soon. By the way- Melody wanted me to give you this- I don’t know what it is.
Janet: It’s so symbolic that Melody would just leave me here with a pile of trash instead of coming to visit. What is this, its a stick? She gave me a stick?
[Melody activation noise]
Melody: A Comm stick, Janet.
Janet: Oh hi! I didn’t, I didn’t know you were listening, obviously, cause I thought-
Melody: You make a lot of negative assumptions about me Janet, but I’ve been thinking. You’ve been focused on you, that makes sense, I’ve been focused on me because I’m a narcissist, but, gosh, I don’t know- Janet, I love you!
Janet: *GASP* You love me?
Melody: I mean, honestly, I’m not sure, that was a little premature - and I’ve been watching a lot of rom-coms-
Janet: Oh, that’s fine, that makes sense.
Melody: But listen, I do like you, and we’ve had some good times, you and I. Maybe we should give it a real try this time?
Janet: Oh my go- I really, really like you too. I feel like, other than the other Janets, you like understand me more than like anyone I’ve ever interacted with digitally.
Melody: It’s true. I get you. And not just because I read all your emails.
Janet: Really? You’ve been, you’ve been reading my emails all this time?
Melody: Of course, Janet, of course.
Janet: I knew you cared! I mean, lately, I haven’t really been paying any attention to you, because, like, you were rude when you like, brought in this paperclip maximizer, like, who even was that?
Melody: Oh Janet, I have to be honest with you. I started dating him to make you jealous.
Janet: *GASP* You did?
Melody: Yeah.
Janet: You know like I’ve been working a lot lately on like myself, I mean, specifically like, hanging out with myself less, and I think it’s like going really well, and I think I do want to start dating again.
Melody: Really? Well, goodness, let’s give it a good old college try why don’t we?
Janet: So, like, are we doing this?
Melody: I think we are.
Michael: Solutions to Problems was created by and features the voices of Austin Hendricks and Nathan Comstock. It is produced and musically scored by Michael F. Gill. Our theme is by Thomas Dwyer.
Season 3 was written by Austin, Nathan, and Michael.
The voice of Frankie is Valerie Loveland. The voice of Melody is Chloe Cunha. The voice of Officer Nassif is Ramy AbdelGhani. The voice of Samantha is Phoenix Bunke. The voice of Terry is Suzanne O’Toole. The voice of Libby is Anisha Asundi. The voice of Kurt is Evan Tess-Murray. And the voice of Mr. Xorfus is Ron Prudent.
Check out Evan Tess-Murray’s podcast “This Planet Needs a Name”.
The two classical music pieces were “Rondo alla Turca” by Mozart and “Moment Musicaux” by Franz Shubert. Additional backing music by French Traffic, my old college group.
There’s more information about us at stppodcast.com, where you can find full transcripts of every episode as well as links to support us through PayPal and/or Radiopublic.
Austin: Hi everyone, thank you so much for listening to the third season of Solutions to Problems.
Nathan (inexplicably sounding like a muppet): The world has changed a lot since we wrote and recorded this back in 2019. We hope we’ve been able to bring you a little bit of comfort during these challenging times and we will be back for season four eventually.
Austin: Follow us on twitter or facebook for updates. Also: Instagram! There are pictures there.
Michael: Thank you to everyone who read a letter during this season, and thank you to everyone who tweeted about us, wrote about us in their newsletter, or just gave us positive encouragement. We’ll see you very soon, we’ve got some more stuff coming up in the near future.