A series of radio reports by Intern Samantha on the IFM2 show On Assignment, which is hosted by Loaf. Featuring intergalactic run-off elections, dracula ants, time travel conventions, philosophical fragrance branders, and more!
[A slower version of the Solutions to Problems theme plays in the background.]
Computer voice: Now playing, IFM2 audio segments tagged "Intern Samantha Bird."
[beep]
["On Assignment" theme song plays, a jazzy little number you might hear on a news show.]
Station ID voice: This is IFM2.
Loaf: Hello listeners, and welcome back to IFM2 On Assignment, bringing you the latest news and stories from our own correspondents around the galaxy. I'm your host [dolphin noise], but you can call me Loaf.
[theme fades out, upbeat background music fades in]
Loaf: Our first story today, the run-off elections on Prose Prime. We've sent our intern and run-off election correspondent, Samantha, to the capital city of Fickshahna. How's it going over there Sam?
Sam: [there is static, and you can hear Loaf’s opening on the radio on in the background as Sam fumbles with her mic] Hi Loaf! I can't hear myself on the radio.
Loaf: There is a seven second delay, Samantha. Please turn down your radio in the background, you are on the air.
Sam: Uh, I thought we were pre-taping this?
Loaf: Listeners, I assure you we are live.
[Sam's voice can be heard on the radio in the background as it fades away ]
Sam: I can hear myself on the radio now! It's like I'm in the future and the radio is in the past! I can totally predict where this conversation will go!
Loaf: [sighs] Can you tell us the mood of the voters in Fickshahna? We've been hearing reports that the Flash Fiction Party may gain a majority in parliament after tonight's election.
Sam: Oh, I have no idea, but I hope you're right! Everyone here is so long-winded, like, you ask them for their opinion and they respond with a book-long essay! How am I supposed to get a soundbite from 20,000 words? Maybe I can sell the recordings as, like, audio books?
Loaf: We've been through this Samantha, we have an editing studio here---
Sam: Oh my god, a cute fluffy puppy just appeared! I must go interview it! See you later Loaf.
[A beep as Sam hangs up]
Loaf: [groans]
Station ID Voice: [singing] IFM2
[beep]
[“On Assignment” Theme music plays]
Loaf: This is IFM2 On Assignment.
[Theme fades, background music starts]
Loaf: On Earth, a series of Dracula ants have been decimating the potato population for the past six months. For more on this, let's go to our international potato correspondent, Samantha.
[beep]
Samantha: Loaf! You are going to love the interview I got with that puppy on Prose Prime. His name is Pickles.
Loaf: Sam, I applaud you on your journalistic follow-through, but please tell us about the Dracula Ants.
Samantha: Oh yeah, I totally recorded them on my phone. Um, let me play you my recording. Hang on.
[Tape loading sound followed by a strange set of squiggly noises]
Loaf: Since you are omnipotent, can you translate that for us?
Samantha: Sorry, that was Pickles. They sound so similar! Anyway, the Dracula ants were like, [imitates ant voice] “Yeah, us adult ants can't eat solid food, so we just give it to our young, and after they eat that solid food, we suck their blood to get the nutrients.” Gross. Turns out one of the lil' bloodsuckers went to a local sporting event and discovered fried potatoes, and now the rest of the ants can't get enough of 'em.
Loaf: What do the humans think of this?
Samantha: Well, like, a lot of humans stopped eating potatoes after they found out they could use them to play sporting games like Hockey Tots, Basetato, and Curly Fryball. So right now they are um, making sure to keep their potatoes locked up in their floating utility closets.
Loaf: Fascinating. We'll keep an ocular unit on this story. Coming up next: Is your reliance on nanobots affecting your judgment? A new study says yes, but another one says no. Find out more when we come back after this brief message from Brief Message, the new human underwear that also doubles as a digital whiteboard.
Station ID voice: IFM2
[beep]
[“On Assignment” Theme music plays]
Loaf: I'm [dolphin noise], and you're listening to IFM2 On Assignment. The time is now half past practical, so it's time for the arts. A new Flora Cinquain exhibit at the Museum of Disgustology just opened on Sagittarius 2, focusing on her animated photos of moving mouths. We sent our mouth-moving correspondent Samantha to the opening reception, and she sent us back this audio postcard.
[Theme fades out, a synthesized version of Mazurka, Opus 7, No. 1 by Frederic Chopin plays]
Samantha: Listeners, it's me Samantha. I'm the intern at IFM2 and I've been sent to review Flora Cinquain's exhibit at the Museum of Digustah...la...Disgust-ah-la-geee...Disgustology! Let me tell you it's like, so rad to be here, and to be surrounded by all these theoretical physicists, futurists, and disgustologists. I was able to get a totally professional interview with Ms. Cinquain, and she like, answered all two of my questions. Computer! Play interview 7, edit...3, version 6.
Computer voice: Playing interview 7, edit 3, version 6.
[beep]
Samantha: So Flora, what is your #1 tip to increase the value of your art?
Flora: You should die. Dying is an excellent career move. Nothing else comes close. I've already died four times, and look at me now.
Samantha: Cool! I'll try it. OK, what's the best thing you have learned from your 90 years of making animations of moving mouths?
Flora: A less authoritative and less professional sounding speaker talks in the front of their mouth. You will see their mouth move a lot. All my art is about speaking in the back of the mouth, which is why it comes across as confident. Critics love that.
Samantha: Wow! What a life hack. By the way, do you know where the human bathroom is?
Flora: Yes it's--
[beep]
Computer Voice: End of Interview.
Samantha: Well, there you have it folks. To be a famous artist, make sure you are dead, and that your art never reaches the front of your mouth. For IFM2 subspace radio, I'm intern Sam. Back to you, Loaf.
Station ID voice: IFM2
[beep]
[“On Assignment” Theme music plays]
Loaf: Greeting listeners. My name is Loaf, and this is IFM2 On Assignment. Thank you for the generous company of your ears, your pheromone receptors, or whatever listening units you currently contain.
[Theme music fades out, background music plays]
Loaf: I'm joined now by our Fringe Fandom correspondent Samantha, who just attended TimeTravelCon, the largest meetup of time travel enthusiasts in the galaxy.
Samantha: [there is some white noise in the background] That's right, Loaf, I went all the way to the Sunflower Galaxy to bring you this pre-recorded piece that I'm now going to play live.
Loaf: Samantha, you're in the studio, please turn your radio off. There's a seven second--
Samantha: Aww, this piece is about time travel, and I wanted to like, simulate it with this radio! See, we are now listening to the past in the future! [Sam's radio plays the beginning of the interview in the background].
Loaf: [sighs] Very...creative. Let's play your tape.
[Background of people talking with techno music in the distance]
Samantha [on tape]: Here I am at TimeTravelCon II and everybody's super interesting! Like I'm pretty sure I'll bump into a Janet in the hallway at any time! And maybe some TARTI people too! Let's go interview some entities!
[footsteps]
Samantha: What do you do?
Voice 1: I'm in Time Travelholics Anonymous, and I'm here to help wean people off their compulsive time traveling.
[beep]
Voice 2: I'm working on non-destructive Time Travel, which is where I perform timeline alterations on specific days and years, and see if they have symmetrical results. My final goal is to do this and without changing any of the current laws of physics.
[beep]
Voice 3: I'm a digital archaeologist, a biographer who excavates lives through their digital trails, and I've found time travel to be indispensable to my work.
[beep]
Voice 4: I'm a ghost writer, and I'm trying to tell people in this timeline about the 300 books I've ghostwritten, because in my universe I am contractually obligated to never say anything about them.
[beep]
Voice 5: I was originally into cognitive hijacking, you know, distracting people on the hypernet so they would forget what they were originally thinking about, but now I've been involved in setting up giant WiFi hot spots you see in Black Holes, so even if you are trapped inside one you can still connect to the hypernet.
[beep]
Samantha: That, uh, last dude told me that falling into a black hole will turn your body into spaghetti, so now I totally want to interview someone who can tell me what it’s like to be a piece of spaghetti. Anyhow, that's all from me, back to you Samantha.
[background music fades back in]
Samantha [in studio]: Thanks, me!
Loaf: I didn't realize you were also our interstellar spaghetti correspondent.
Samantha: Oh yeah, totally.
Loaf: We'll be right back.
Station ID Voice: This is IFM2.
[beep]
[Theme music plays]
Loaf: This is IFM2 subspace radio. You're tuned in to On Assignment, where we showcase stories from our reporters around the galaxy.
[Theme fades, an electronic version of "Arabesque No. 2" by Claude Debussy starts]
Loaf: Where do ideas come from? How do we catch them? Is the best time in the middle of the night? You need to be an intellectual midwife, and assist in giving birth to ideas, says Sir Archimedes Flaubert, who studies the philosophy of emotions in his job as a fragrance brander. We have him on the line right now, along with our own emotional outburst correspondent, Samantha.
Samantha: That's me! Thanks Loaf. I'm sitting here with Sir Archimedes Flaubert at the Center for The History Of Emotions, and I have to say, the people wanna know--How do you come up with a brand name for a perfume?
Archimedes: Oh, it involves many intense sessions of brainstorming. It can take weeks. I usually sequester myself on an unpopulated moon. That's how I came up with “Desire” by Cocoa Calvino.
Samantha: “Desire”? That's....lame.
Archimedes: Oh? If that's not your style, I also came up with “Surprise” by Bob Dylan Smells, and “Glamour” for Chanel Johnny 5. These names require months of market research and virtual reality testing, not to mention the multiple focus groups. It's not easy, you know.
Samantha: People pay you to come up with one word? One very generic word?
Archimedes: Yes. It's very, very profitable, but not everyone can do it.
Samantha: HUHNNNH. You're a fake. Loaf, this guy's a fake.
Archimedes: “Fake”… I like that. I may have to pitch that one to a client--
Loaf: Mr. Flaubert, it appears you are being called out.
Archimedes: Am I? You two don't understand the multi-layered set of neural connections the customer needs to feel with the product they are engaging with. I think I'm pretty intelligent, so that means I'm probably right about this.
Samantha: Uh, any single-celled organism could do what you do?! You know what? I'm out of here. Interview over. [hangs up]
[beat]
[Sam calls back]
Sam: Loaf, can you take us out, please?
[Sam hangs up again]
Loaf: Well ...that didn't go as expected. Ok....I should also mention that we reached out to our emotional inburst correspondent, but we did not hear back. This is IFM2 On Assignment. Coming up next: Is your pool water safe in orbit? Maybe! But it's a “maybe” you'll definitely want to hear about. Stick with us.
Station ID voice: IFM2. IFM2.
[beep]
[Theme music plays]
Loaf: It's Metaweek here at IFM2 Subspace radio, so for this segment of On Assignment, we thought we'd ask our interns to interview all of the production staff. Our info-dump and exposition correspondent Samantha brings us this report which promises to consistently “tell” instead of “show.”
[Theme fades. Slow, dreamy music plays.]
Samantha: Hi guys! What is your advice on dating and relationships in the adult world? A teenage omnipotent girl's gotta know, ya know?
Melody: This galaxy is just spilt milk across the endless sky, kiddo. Either drink it up off the floor, or keep crying about it. Either way, we're all going to end up alone. Take it from me, Melody, the station AI.
Frankie: Loneliness is the norm if you want to be good at your job. Loneliness is so efficient. You can always read a book, watch a show. But you can't always have sapient interaction. Choose your time and dissertations wisely. Take it from me, Frankie, an overworked “research assistant” who still does all the work automation was supposed to replace.
Mr. Xorfus: Maybe don't exclusively date bipeds? That's a good start. It is, it is. Take it from me, Mr. Xorfus, the station manager at IFM2 subspace radio. Don't forget to donate.
Janet: (scoffs) You have heard all of my advice, but....sure, let's try something new. What is love but the desire to obliterate yourself? We all wanna obliterate ourselves, and self-obliteration is something possible through love. And blah blah blah, yadda yadda yadda, love is the death of one's self. Throw yourself into the fire, Sam! Take it from me, Janet, the most existential person you know.
Loaf: Just remember to have someone who loves you. Anyone. Even if it's just a platonic connection. Because if you are loved, you are young. Metaphorically, I mean. Physiologically, you might be very old. Maybe you’re about to die. If so, have fun! You had a good run. Anyway, that's all you need. Take it from me, Loaf, who you may have caught in a rather sentimental mood, and yes, this totally relates to my character arc this past season.
Samantha: Sam, you're doing great! You haven't even broken the journalism code and used your omnipotent powers during interviews. I'm totally proud of you! Take it from me, a past version of you recorded on tape: you are rocking this whole internship thing! Let's end this segment on a good note.
Past and Present Samanthas: (simultaneously): For IFM2 Subspace radio, this is Samantha, signing off!
Credits: Solutions to Problems was created by Austin Hendricks and Nathan Comstock. This mini-episode was written, produced, and musically scored by Michael F. Gill. It features Phoenix Bunke as Sam, and Nathan Comstock as Loaf.
The voice of Frankie is Valerie Loveland. The voice Janet is Austin Hendricks. The voice of Melody is Chloe Cunha. The voice of Mr. Xorfus is Ron Prudent. The voices of the time travelers are Slider and Flux Capacitor Comstock. The voice of Flora is Lesley Gideon. The voice of Archimedes is Zachary Robb. You can hear Lesley on her podcast, The Path Down, and Zachary's voice can be heard on many shows from the Ghost Light Media Network.
The two classical music pieces arranged in this episode are Mazurka, Opus 7 No. 1 by Frederic Chopin, and Arabesque No. 2 by Claude Debussy. There’s more information about us at stppodcast.com, where you can find full transcripts of every episode as well as links to support us through PayPal and/or Radiopublic.
We have almost finished writing season 4 of the show. We do not yet know when it will be released, but we will keep you updated, so check out this feed as well as our social media accounts. Thank you for listening.
Phoenix: (discussing playing Sam in this episode) That was fun because I was actually developing her--what's the word--her reporter voice as I was doing it. [laughs] I think it will work out pretty well.