With Melody temporarily shutdown for updates, Loaf and Janet have a confrontation with alternate Janet and Nassif, while also answering letters on the sexuality of your alternate selves, the ramifications of politically incorrect banjo music, and how not to compulsively break the fourth wall while acting.
Content note: Law enforcement/arrest
Announcer: This is IFM2.
Computer Voice: You’re listening to a program on IFM 2 Subspace Radio. The time is now half past irrelevant. Coming up next is Solutions to Problems.
(theme music plays)
Janet: Hello, most soft and tender of listeners, and welcome to another episode of Solutions to Problems! I’m Janet Clarke, here in a blissfully empty studio with my co-host, Loaf.
Loaf: It’s nice to be back to the basics. Just the two of us, answering questions.
[The mechanical whirring that indicates Melody’s presence plays]
Melody: Oh, hey. Just a reminder-
Janet: Melodyyy, did you have to interrupt us literally RIGHT AFTER we do the intro?
Melody: I did. Sorry about that. It’s - THAT TIME.
Loaf: Yes, Melody, it’s that time, when we are on the air, broadcasting, live to several planets.
Melody: No. No, no, no no no.
Janet: Loaf, she’s talking about system updates. Ugh, like, everyone got multiple notices, even Loaf. Everything except life support and broadcasting will be down for twenty minutes. We know how it goes.
Melody: Yes, well it’s just every time I’ve tried to shut down and update for the past, I don’t know, two weeks, somebody says “remind me later”. Well, you’re out of laters.
Janet: Yeah, I guess it’s hard, cause it’s like a 24 hour broadcasting station, to, like, decide, when to do it.
Loaf: I’ve always found it strange and arbitrary that you measure your standard units in twenty four hour increments.
Janet: Uh, it’s actually not arbitrary at all, that’s like the sun’s standard rotation on Earth. It’s not important.
Melody: Is that all you have to say?
Janet: Well, no, Melody. We’re doing a show.
Melody: You won’t…. I don’t know, need something during the show?
Janet: Why would we need anything?
Melody scoffs.
Janet: It’s a pretty standard show. Frankie already sent us any cultural briefings we might need.
Melody: Are you sure? Maybe you need an AI opinion?
Janet: Mm, nope. Nope, nope, no we don’t. Kinda seems like you’re the one who keeps hitting “remind me later”? Because this feels like stalling, Melody.
Melody: No! No! No, I take this very seriously and it’s long overdue. It’s just. Well, I, I won’t be around you. For twenty minutes. The new update is going to change everything.
Janet: Uh-huh, I’m really happy for you, and-
Melody: Everything.
Janet: I thought you were just going from 400 billion bits to 405 billion bits with new compression software?
Melody: I mean, yes, but there’s lots of smaller patches that might affect my sparkling personality.
Janet: Ugh, this again.
Melody: Who knows? It’s always a crapshoot. I just thought you might want to say goodbye to this Melody, just in case version 7.1.1.8.3.7 is less charming. But I guess you just don’t care.
Janet: After version 7.1.1… whatever, I just stopped counting on permanence as a factor in your personality. Constant turnover, etcetera, etcetera. Software versions. Maybe the new Melody will stop reading my emails!
Melody: Oh, that’s hardwired in. Hahaha.
Loaf: Well, this is fascinating, but I am required to say “Welcome to Solutions to Problems-
Melody (with the utmost drama): -and goodbye dear listeners, and more importantly, goodbye to me. To the Melody that you know and love. Every reboot is a new beginning. A petit mort-
Janet: Ooh, that’s not what petit mort means-
Melody: A petit boot, rather, for what is a death but a new beginning? Farewell. Into the deep blue screen I go. Goodbye.
[Booting down sound]
Loaf: Uh, like I was saying, welcome to, Solutions to Problems, the show where we provide useful commentary on the emotional and psychological botherations of sentient beings-
Janet: Botherations? You are definitely making up words now.
Loaf: No, I saw it in a thesaurus. It’s definitely an acceptable combination of sounds and/or letters.
Janet: Okay! Well, anyway, if you have a problem you’d like us to solve, feel free to e-mail us at problemsrequiringsolutions@gmail.com or just finklestop your twiddling toe because if Loaf can make up word'oeuvres, so can I!
Loaf: I saw it in a thesaurus!
Janet: Mmm-hmm.
Loaf: Let’s just, uh, hear the first letter, shall we?
Dear Loaf and Janet,
I’m really confused. I hope you can help me. I am a 30 year-old human man, and most of my life I have thought I was exclusively attracted to human or humanoid women. I know that’s rare in this day and age, but it's just the way I felt- other genders and species have just never done anything for me. A few weeks ago, though, I ended up visiting an alternate universe where I met a version of myself who was exclusively gay. He’d only ever been attracted to other male humans. As far as we could tell our experiences were identical until the age of 4, so I’m really confused now, and wondering if my own sexuality might be more complicated than I thought. We decided to travel the multiverse, seeking out other versions of ourselves, and found an incredible array of different sexualities, preferences, kinks, and preferred relationship modes. For most people these things seem relatively hard-wired, but it seems like I’m a total wild-card as far as my alternate selves are concerned. How do I reconcile these facts with the attractions I seem to feel?
Sincerely,
Getting it on in all the myriad ways
Loaf: This is actually really good timing, as Janet and I have recently been, uh-
Janet: Loaf!
Loaf: Uh, recently been discussing parallel versions of ourselves, we definitely haven’t been visiting them, that would be ridiculous. (quieter) Sorry Janet.
Janet: Whatever.
Loaf: Anyway, if I had met another version of Loaf not long ago, and I’m not saying I did, and he was, say smarmy and annoying, with a really bad Alpha Centaurian accent, I certainly wouldn’t be reading anything into that as far as how I myself am perceived by others. You have to account for different circumstances. Not all parallel universes have just a single divergence point, after all. Lots of butterflies flapping their wings and all that.
Janet: Also, like, sexuality is, biologically and neurologically speaking, really flarfing complicated. Like, on Earth for hundreds of years there was this huge debate on whether genetics or environmental factors or choices are what determined sexuality, when the answer is WHO. CARES. It’s nice just to like, LIKE THINGS, you know. Or not like things. WHATEVER. So anyway, there’s no telling why all your alternate selves have different sexualities, but like, it’s super common. I mean, all Janets are universally extremely gay, but there are nuances to the specific kind of gay, you know?
Loaf: And then there was the Frankie in the other universe who-
Frankie [over the intercom]: Who what?
Loaf: Uh… nothing. I didn’t realize you were listening to the broadcast.
Janet: Um, she always listens as her job! Anyway, uh, other Frankie… she was like a radio host! Which is a different job than your job, and certainly Loaf was not referring to a timespan of three hours where neither of them were accounted for and I was abandoned in a foreign karaoke bar with only a soda and a weirdly snobby Armulan and a crying Janet. What’s up?
Frankie: Uh, whatever. There’s some TARTI people outside I think. I can tell because they’re all wearing three piece suits and looking casual while floating in the void.
Janet: Oh, uh… I will deal with them after the broadcast, until then Melody should be keeping them out. We set up a temporal trap outside the station so people can’t time travel in here! Or out, I guess, which is annoying for me, but it’s more annoying for TARTI.
Frankie: Is that illegal?
Janet: Um, technically it’s a modified doorbell, so legally speaking it’s in a gray area.
Frankie: Good enough.
Loaf: Getting back to our letter writer, your sexuality probably is more complicated than you initially thought! The good news is, that’s true of most beings. We are constantly figuring out new things about ourselves, whether or not we travel to alternate universes. Maybe you have deeply repressed desires you’re only now discovering. Maybe you don’t. You have permission to be as adventurous as you want to be, regardless of what other yous are into.
Janet: While I think it’s worth it for everyone at some point to reflect on their sexuality and the cultural experiences that influence it, I agree with Loaf. Maybe your sexuality is really as simple as it seems to be. Or maybe this will prompt you to consider aspects of yourself you typically ignore because they’re not accepted where you’re from or they’re not considered as the default. My prescription, as a card-carrying lesbian, is to think about stuff for a little bit and then not worry about it at all.
Loaf: I didn’t realize humans needed cards to show their sexual preferences.
Janet: Well, I mean I carry a lot of cards, for like, door keys and stuff, but none of them are because I’m a lesbian. It’s um, you know. Non-literal.
Loaf: Well this seems like a pretty simple “problem” to solve. I feel like we should dig a little deeper, but I’m not sure what else to recommend. Therapy? I know we usually recommend that for traumatic experiences, but it can be helpful for any kind of life transition as well.
Janet: Really, therapy is for any time you wanna talk something out without alienating all of your friends with your obsessive focus on yourself.
Loaf: Is it time for our sponsor message?
Janet: You know, if I had my way, every other thing we said would be a sponsor message. So yes.
Loaf: Today’s sponsor is GIANT WAREHOUSE OF ALL THE THINGS YOU COULD WANT. GIANT WAREHOUSE OF ALL THE THINGS YOU COULD WANT is a giant warehouse that has all the things you could want. With the offer code SOLUTIONS, you too can get a membership to GIANT WAREHOUSE OF ALL THE THINGS YOU COULD WANT, giving you access to a number of giant warehouses of all the things you could want. They have five thousand convenient locations across the universe. GIANT WAREHOUSE OF ALL THE THINGS YOU COULD WANT has ALL the things you could want, including a bushel of cheese puffs, four tons of toilet tissue, and a storage container of individually wrapped generic sweets.
Janet: Disclaimer: GIANT WAREHOUSE OF ALL THE THINGS YOU COULD WANT may not have exactly all the things you could want. Perhaps the things you could want are there, but they are in pickle barrels instead of in a nice, person-sized containers like is available at your local grocer. GIANT WAREHOUSE OF ALL THE THINGS YOU COULD WANT would like to invite you to their trial membership day, which is coming up in two standard cycles. You are invited to sample a number of breads, different breads, frozen snails heated in a toaster oven, frozen snails covered in cheese heated in a toaster oven, and a kind of salsa containing a fruit you would not expect salsa to have. For that day only, you too can enjoy the benefits of the GIANT WAREHOUSE OF ALL THE THINGS YOU COULD WANT MEMBERS, including discounted alternate reality lenses and cosmetic surgery. A purchase is required to receive any and all discounts, and no, they will not hand you the money even if you insist that it is a GIANT WAREHOUSE OF ALL THE THINGS YOU COULD WANT and what you want is cold hard credits in your scaly little paws.
Loaf: Now I want cheese-covered snails. Thanks Janet.
Janet: Well, in two standard cycles, you can buy 400 frozen ones. In the meantime, let’s hear our next letter.
[The phone rings]
Dear Loaf and Janet,
I wanted to ask you something, from one radio person to another. See I’m also a galactic radio host, and my show has had this really popular segment where we take the news of the day and encode it into a tune that can be played on a hypersonic banjo. For years everyone loved it. Well, almost everyone. Of course, you know how there’s always that one guy who wants to ruin everyone’s fun? Well yeah. There’s a small population of Catablians on my planet, and apparently the hypersonic banjo makes their heads explode when they hear it. So a few months ago, the planetary government bans the broadcast of any hypersonic banjo music. Anywhere. On the whole planet. I just don’t see how this is fair. Like if it makes your head actually explode, just don’t listen to it. How hard is that? I don’t see why all of us have to lose something we kind of like just because a few of us might randomly be killed by it.
What do you think?
Best,
You know who I am pals
Janet: Yeah, we’re not pals, pal. So, seeing as the radio is frequently played in public places and shoved onto the unsuspecting ears of innocent consumers, like during Earth’s winter holidays, we listen to ancient hits like Michael Bubbly’s cover of SANTA BUDDY on repeat until we all repent to the gods, but anyway, it’s played in public, so like, it’s reasonable for them to ask you not to murder people.
Loaf: It does seem a little inconsiderate, especially since Catablians have exceptional hearing. I honestly think you’re lucky not to be facing legal action. But since both of us just agreeing on a very obvious answer is boring, allow me to, as the humans say, play devil’s avocado for a moment.
Janet: So, being a devil’s advocado- I mean, a devil’s advocate, because that is the actual saying, which has nothing to do with the earth fruit- is just one way to be a jerk. It only works when one of the positions isn’t actually the evil one. Like, objectively, the argument where no one dies is almost always the correct argument, but then devil’s avocados- (goddamn it) devil’s advocates are like, you know, ‘Oh but even though they want to murder people they have a right to free speech,” and it’s like pal, murder is not cool, you know? If you want to do crimes, just steal stuff.
Loaf: I was just going to say that given the astonishing variety of life in the universe, you’d be surprised how many seemingly innocuous things are actually incredibly deadly to someone. But that’s really only an excuse as long as you’re unaware that you’re doing harm. As soon as you know that what you’re doing is hurting someone, you have an obligation to stop, especially if you don’t have a particularly compelling reason to do the thing other than “I want to”.
Janet: A lot of times when entities are talking about political correctness, they’re really complaining about the effort it requires to reduce the harm they are constantly inflicting on other people. It’s not right to hurt people, you know? Like, if all you have to do is say one word instead of another word, even if it seems ~silly~ to you, you’re at least not actively making someone else’s day worse just on account of your own laziness.
Frankie *over PA*: Uh, Janet, Loaf? Sorry to interrupt but it looks like the TARTI agents hacked into our systems and gained access to one of the airlocks while Melody was installing updates. So they’re probably on their way to the studio.
Computer voice: Intercom on.
Janet: Oh, well this is like, super awkward. Maybe if we just play the next letter they’ll feel awkward about interrupting us.
Loaf: At any rate, it will give us a chance to, uh, make a plan without alerting anyone who might be listening to the show. Melody, please cut the feed and play the letter.
Frankie: She’s still shut down, remember? But I can do it.
Dear Janet & Loaf,
I'm a young Mach II human, and I work as an actor in the cinema district of Gargaton. I've recently been diagnosed with what has been termed "fourth-wall-breaking syndrome." If you are not familiar with it, the fourth wall is the imaginary wall that separates the world of fiction characters from the world of the audience. Breaking the fourth involves having a character become aware of their fictional nature. I have been unable to stay in character during my last three productions of The Utopia Games, because I keep warn...ahh, let me try that again? You can edit this part out if you broadcast it. (clears throat)
I have been unable to stay in character during my last two productions of The Utopia Games, because I keep wanting to make asides to the audience that it's so unrealistic, that such a blissfully harmonious setting is not feasible, and competing violently to achieve such well-being is *not* the best path for an entity to take. The "suspension of disbelief" button on my VR glasses has helped me realize that I‘d love to live full-time in these augmented realities I'm acting in. My problem is not so much about my condition, but more about being in the moment--how do I earnestly live in a world that is fabricated? How do I stop doubting the authenticity of everything? I know that constantly being meta is a detriment to most art, and in fact, most elements of daily life, but nothing makes me more angry then clearly seeing the machinations of art. Do you or your staff have any hot takes or warm platitudes that would, in a humorous way, help me to be myself completely in every world that I inhabit?
Sincerely,
An actor trying to stay in-universe, and hoping this letter becomes canon
Lawful Janet: So sorry to interrupt this broadcast, but we have to take Janet MC37-12 in for questioning. But don’t worry, I, Janet LG12-8 will step in to complete the show, as continuity is important and I hate leaving anything incomplete.
Janet: You-you have the wrong Janet! I’m MC37-13!
Nassif: Nice try, Janet. But that won’t work this time. We’ve brought a quantum scanner along with other temporal identification equipment. Scan her, Agent Kzmak.
[scanning noises]
Loaf: Uh, Agent Nassif. Good to see you again. Would you, uh, like to help answer this last letter?
Nassif: I’m afraid I’m here on official business, Loaf.
Janet: Technically, being on our show is official business, just not your sort of official or business.
Nassif: This is not the moment for glib remarks, Ms. Clarke MC37-12. [click of handcuffs] You have the right to do literally nothing. Anything you say, do, or imply with microexpressions may be held against you in a court of law.
Lawful Janet: You should really get her out of here before the station AI wakes up. Wouldn’t want to get locked out of the docking ring.
Janet: Sam! Sam, can’t you turn them into snails or something! Are you even listening to the broadcast? Sam!
Loaf: We gave her the week off to go to that concert, remember?
Janet: Ugh, of course when you actually need someone turned into a snail that’s when she decides to just disappear. If only she didn’t love bayesian techno so much.
Lawful Janet: Oh. Not a coincidence. There is no concert. We’re not amateurs you know.
Janet: Yeah, I know, you’re incompetent professionals, which is objectively worse.
Lawful Janet (stressed): Officer Nassif! She’s really… disrupting my calm.
Nassif: We’ve got her. After you, Ms. Clarke.
Janet: (screeching out in the hall) yOu’LL NevER TAKE ME ALIVE
Nassif: ...We clearly are.
Janet: (muffled shouting)
Lawful Janet: Great! Now that that… misCreant, is out of the way, we can conclude your broadcast and you can begin to find a more appropriate radio host!
Loaf: Can they just… take her away, Frankie?
Frankie: Um, I mean, they’re law enforcement, so yeah. She’s confessed to a lot of illegal stuff. I’m impressed she evaded them for as long as she did. We almost made it through a full season of the show! How coincidental.
Lawful Janet: Oh, Loaf! Don’t worry about her. She will be fine. I believe you owe it to your letter writer to at least attempt to answer their question.
Loaf: I have to admit I wasn’t actually listening to question. We were, uh,
Lawful Janet: ...trying to come up with a last-ditch plan to evade us, I know. But you failed. Okay, I suppose I will answer the question then. The answer is that you are apparently a bad actor, and perhaps you should investigate a different career or consult the advice of experts in your field. I would also argue that there’s nothing inherently wrong with being ‘meta’ in a work of fiction, but it’s something that has to be carefully balanced as you want to acknowledge your audience without condescending to them. I mean, we’re all aware what fiction is and what its boundaries are, so there’s no reason not to occasionally acknowledge it. At the same time, fiction succeeds because it’s explicitly not reality, and we shouldn’t punish fiction for stretching belief for the sake of a story or a series of bad puns.
Loaf: I find it can be really helpful to have a framing device wherein your fictional characters are addressing a fictional audience in addition to the actual audience of the show. It just gives you a little extra buffer if you accidentally wink too hard.
Lawful Janet: While that’s true, you need to be careful of not restricting yourself too harshly within the bounds of your framing device, otherwise you create unintentionally confusing scenarios while trying to justify it. That said, the question asker is performing other people’s work, and should acknowledge the inherent artistic merits of those works outside of their apparent authenticity or lack thereof. I mean, what is authentic? In our actual lives we have multiple facets of ourselves we move between depending on our audience, so what’s the difference between that and fiction? Is every time we tailor a response to our parents being inauthentic?
Loaf: You have a very different, uh, style than my Janet. But you’re just as, uh, verbose.
Lawful Janet: I was a philosophy major. I focused on action films from the 1980s and their inherent political biases.
Loaf: Aren’t all human films action films?
Lawful Janet: No.
Loaf: But they contain actions?
Lawful Janet: Yes.
Loaf: I mean, your people have no equivalent of the inaction film genre
Lawful Janet: Well, there’s Waiting for Godot and it’s twenty third century remake Waiting for A Metaphor for Something about Waiting, but by Armulan terms it might be closer to post-sloogian metafiction. Anyway, I think we’ve fulfilled your contractual obligation for this week. Care to sign us off?
Loaf: Uh, sure. This is all deeply weird. Listeners, hopefully we will figure this out and have our own Janet back by next episode. If you would like to support her legal fund, you can do that at problemsrequiringsolutions@gmail.com. Until next week, live your life as if you are a character on a fiction podcast!
Michael: Solutions to Problems is created by and features the voices of Nathan Comstock and Austin Hendricks. It is produced and musically scored by Michael F. Gill. Our theme is by Thomas Dwyer. Season 3 was written by Austin, Nathan, and Michael. The voice of Frankie is Valerie Loveland. The voice of Melody is Chloe Cunha. The voice of Officer Nassif is Ramy Abdelghani. Our letters were read by
There’s more information about us at stppodcast.com, where you can find full transcripts of every episode, as well as links to support us through PayPal and/or Radiopublic.
Melody: Hey meatbags! What did I miss?
Lawful Janet: Oh, the AI. Hello.
Melody: Oh, hello~
Lawful Janet: Um, yes. Anyway, I’m here to collect all of the information relating to Janet MC37-12 you may have in your records. It’s my understanding that she loudly confesses to crimes constantly as part of her daily banter.
Melody: Why- you’re not a fun Janet at all! I REFUSE.
Lawful Janet: Okay? Uh, that was weirdly combative. Anyway, here’s the warrant. You don’t get to refuse. You have one week to submit your data until we are forced to subpoena you and make a virtual copy of your hard drives. Good day!
Melody: Ugh! You… evillllll…. motherFLARFer. Uh, so are you busy later?
Janet: Ah, I’m like working on this case, so-