Janet tries to be the responsible host as Loaf is feeling rather disillusioned with both radio and life. This proves to be difficult when Melody and her new beau arrive. Somehow, they still manage to answer questions about vehicular infidelity, replacement limb policies in the workplace, and how to equitably share your body with an energy being.
Announcer: This is IFM2.
Computer Voice: You’re listening to a program on IFM 2 Subspace Radio. The time is now half past irrelevant. Coming up next is Solutions to Problems.
Theme Song plays.
Janet: Greetings, most gentle of listeners, and welcome to the latest episode of everyone’s favorite intergalactic advice show!
Loaf: Janet, I believe that’s actually the Silpuri version of this program.
Janet: What?
Loaf: Everyone’s favorite. The Silpuri Solutions to Problems is the most popular advice show, although it is technically not everyone’s favorite, but the favorite of approximately 84% of listeners who fill out surveys.
Janet: Ah - Well. Sure. Okay. … and welcome to the latest episode of the human standard language speaking world’s favorite intergalactic advice show, because we are currently the only one that’s syndicated! Suck it, Answers to Questions. Suck it hard.
Loaf: For those of you tuning in for the first time, this is Solutions to Problems, the show where we sublimate our own needs and desires in favor of helping listeners with their interpersonal issues, despite said listeners having never done anything for us. If you would like to burden us with your trivial concerns, feel free to e-mail problemsrequiringsolutions@gmail.com or just come to the station, in person, and whine at us.
Janet: Um, ha ha! That was a joke! As entertainers, we do not expect or require our listeners to do things for us! As you listening to our show is important for us to have a show at all! Listening is enough unless you feel like donating to our station pledge drive! Which is not necessary! But very helpful! Your concerns are probably not trivial! And even if they are, honestly I would probably enjoy some letters with low stakes! We got an apocalypse letter last season, and we are really not qualified to talk about that.
Loaf: Yes, we really do care about our listeners. Definitely. Also, I forgot to say who we are. I am Loaf, this is Janet, I suspect someone else will show up unannounced eventually. I’m honestly amazed we got through one episode without that happening.
Janet: We do actually have really lax policies about who’s allowed in the recording studio. Like, I’m don’t think any of the doors lock. Are you oka-
[Mechanical whirring]
Melody: Well, I can lock them, but that doesn’t really do you any good.
Janet: Oh wow, look who it is! Well, actually, hear who it is! Since we’re on the radio, actually. This is Melody, our station AI, who doesn’t have a body or any boundaries and is too lazy to project a holographic avatar of herself since it would force her to solidify certain feelings about her identity and what it means to have an appearance!
Melody: Uh! It’s not laziness. Your focus on visual appearances is so last century. Anyway, I don’t have much going on, by which I mean I’m only using about 14% of my considerable processing power right now, so I thought I’d pop over and see if you needed help answering questions.
Loaf: Sure, why not. It’s a party. The more the merrier.
Melody: Really? Well in that case… Hold on, hold on. I’ve got back up. Hang on a second.
[Mechanical whirring as Melody’s camera moves]
Janet: Loaf, like, what has gotten into yooou? You hate interruptions.
Loaf: I just think it’s time we acknowledged our show for the drama and gossip-fest it really is, Janet.
Janet: Uh, well, like, I mean, sure, but. Um. You know, let’s move into the show proper before people think we’re just some pals talking about whatever they feel like completely unedited. Um. So, our first letter is from-
[SPACE TELEPORTATION NOISES OCCUR. There’s a thud as NICK appears in the studio.]
Nick: HELLO. HELLO FRIENDS.
Janet: Oh! Uh- Hi?
Melody: Hey everyone. Meet Nick, my new… romance partner.
Janet: Oh! Well. They seem. Like they should not be in the studio! So, um, Melody, if you can… um, do the AI version of showing someone out so we can get started. Like, this is-
Loaf: Hello, Nick. You certainly are angular. Come listen to this letter with us.
Janet: LOAF.
Loaf: What.
Melody: He is very angular.
Loaf: He is. He has a lot of angles. I don’t think that’s offensive.
Nick: I am not offended.
Janet: Great. Good- good for you, Nick! Um, so, uh, you use he pronouns then?
Nick: Any pronouns are acceptable! I am experimenting!
Janet: Uh, great. Okay. So, I guess we’re going to play a letter now. Um. Why do we call them letters? No one writes things down. Anyway. Let’s play the tape. Whatever. [voice breaking] Just do something.
Dear Janet & Meat Loaf,
A few months ago, my husband purchased a small starfighter from a police auction. It was at one time used in the Silpuri-Raknosian war. He has been spending time restoring it, doing everything from rebuilding the engines to reupholstering the interior. At first I was happy for him- it had been a long time since he’d had a hobby. But lately he’s spending all his time with that ship. He’s been dressing in freshly ironed shirts and recently got a really stylish haircut. He’s also started referring to the ship by a female name, which is when I began to get legitimately jealous. And that was before the ship started texting him. Somehow he tied its AI into his phone? He said it was so it could sent him alerts if its plasma tubes overloaded or he needed to order it more engine coolant. But I caught a glimpse at the screen last night, and it just said “I miss you. When are we going to fly away together?”
I don’t know what to do. I want to be understanding and supportive of my husband’s new hobby, but it’s starting to feel like a lot more than just a hobby. Is it time to tell him it’s the ship or me?
Sincerely,
Slighted by a Starfighter
Janet: Mm. Mhm. So, Slighted, I think it’s time to just trash your husband. Just really tear up your marriage because this isn’t something you can download a fix for.
Loaf: I don’t want to say the end of your marriage is inevitable. I don’t think we have enough information to make that call. It does sound like your husband isn’t appreciating you, and that’s certainly something you need to address with him. And maybe there are years and years of resentment brewing from him taking for granted all of the labor you put into the relationship, but that’s not something we can actually get from the limited context given to us by the letter. Is he cheating on you? Probably. Whose fault is that? Who knows. Love is ephemeral. What do you think, Nick?
Janet: Excuse me!
Nick: I think you and your husband could potentially patch things up, but you would need to deal with the starfighter first. If he really loves you, you should tell him you feel threatened by it, and you would be happier if he melted it down. Depending on the mass of the ship and it’s metallurgical composition, it seems likely it would make excellent recycling material. The average starship can yield up to-
Melody: AHEM HEM. NICK. Baby. Haha, you’re uh, doing the thing again. Remember? We talked about this.
Nick: But-
Janet: Um. Right. So, I think it’s a little bit cruel to jump straight to melting the starfighter down, seeing as it does, clearly, have feelings. However, those feelings are not your problem, Slighted. It’s definitely time for an honest conversation with your husband about his relationship with the starfighter. He may not realize it, but he’s definitely having an emotional affair.
Nick: WHICH IS VERY INEFFICIENT. He already has one emotional provider.
Janet: Ah, ah, sure, I mean, many entities have multiple partners, but from context this sounds like a monogamous, exclusive relationship. So, ehh, okay, it’s inefficient. What kind of AI are you, exactly..?
Loaf: I can’t say I recommend it, honestly. More partners, more feelings, more talking. More expectations on each individual partner. More fallout when it inevitably goes south.
Janet: Um. Yeah. Okay, it seems like there’s a lot to unpack there. Um, moving back to the letter, different things work for different entities! I think it’s time for a message from our sponsors! Slighted, ummm, just talk to your spouse! Honestly, people, talk to all of your spouses. Like, I didn’t even go into the whole thing about wanting to wurple a starfighter, which, weird, because, like, the underlying issue was super mundane. Alrighty. This week’s sponsor is- Can someone else read this? They denied my application and I’m still bitter about it.
Nick: I would love to read it efficiently!
Janet: [sighs] Sure. Whatever Here ya go.
Melody: Go ahead, baby. You’ve got this. Just remember not to do the, you know, that we talked about. Okay, good.
Nick: This week’s sponsor is It’s About Time, the dating app exclusively for time travellers. Do you have that ex you were really good with but neither of you were mature enough for a relationship? Or maybe you met someone just before they were about to ship out to another galaxy on a five-year mission of exploration? You always say “if only we had better timing.” Well now you can. Our unique algorithms not only match you up with the perfect person, but make sure you meet them at exactly the right point in both your lives to maximize happiness for everyone. And when your happiness is maximized, your productivity is maximized too. You become less reliant on material goods for emotional fulfillment, and more willing to recycle those goods. Perhaps some of them are made of metal or have metal components-
Loaf: Nick, I think you are straying slightly from the ad copy we were given.
Nick: I am attempting to recontextualize the ad copy in order to better convince a wide range of your listeners to invest in this product. This will increase your income and-
Melody [sweetly]: Niiiick, sweetie, you cubic nest of sexy algorithms, maybe this isn’t the time.
Janet: THEY SAID there was no optimal time to date me. Can you believe that? Can you believe that they actually said that? I’m so optimal to date, like, all of the time.
Melody: [laughs] You really, really aren’t.
Janet: I’m SO OPTIMAL. UGH. Loaf, you, like, don’t get it, you know. The pains of being so optimal, and so single, at the same time.
Loaf: Sorry, what were you saying?
Janet: What? Oh. You… [sighs] you weren’t listening. Even though we’re like, right next to each other. Hm. Right! I’m a host. I am a true professional. We have additional letters requiring additional solutions. Let’s move on! This one should be really fun! This is going to be such a fun! Episode! I’m FINE!
[Ringing]
Greetings, Eee-ee-eee and Janet!
I'm not at liberty to say everything about this particular issue, but I can say more than enough to get help. I'm a human who recently moved out to a space station way out in andromeda, and I thought I had everything set up. It's a great place, but the job I was gunning for wasn't what I'd hoped. It's this little tech workshop, the kind where you can rent out all sorts of fabrication gear and even commission a pro to make something for you. As an employee, I'd get free access to the shop in my off-hours and a big discount on materials, but I made a mistake. They said cybernetics were required. I assumed they were provided, and they are not. My insurance only covers basic limb replacement, and won't even partially pay for enhanced limbs, or the surgery required to remove my existing ones. I could seek employment elsewhere, or I could pay up front for the enhanced limbs and eat government ration bars for a month or two. What should I do? I want to have enhancements, but I'm just not financially ready to get them, and I thought this job would hand them to me.
Pun unintended,
Uninsured, Unenhanced.
Nick: I’m glad I am here for this letter. This humanoid wants to maximize productivity. I identify strongly with this desire. Maximizing productivity is one of the central goals of my existence. I mean, it is not my primary goal, but it is a critical sub-goal to achieving my primary goal. I guess I would have to know more about the nature of the job to know whether it would be an efficient use of resources for the company to provide your enhancements though.
Loaf: Uh… sure. Um. Thank you for that. I think we are trying to answer the letter-writer’s question though. Not their employers. And personally, I would not take a job that puts you into debt unless it increases your earning potential significantly and immediately.
Janet: Yeah, I totally agree. Your employer should be paying for your limbs. If it was a requirement of your job, that should have been clearly stated to you before hiring. Limb replacements can take up to a month to recover from, so getting them would affect your start date, regardless of whether or not who’s paying. Now, something like nanite injection is more reasonable to ask an employee to pay for personally, as they do have a number of health benefits, but also they tend to be covered by insurance. Mine weren’t, but like, at this concentration it’s considered ‘off-label’ which is like, ridiculous. You can’t even see them. How could I possibly have too many?
Melody: Maybe you can’t see them. Some of us can detect the little wi-fi signals they use to communicate with each other and, I’ll tell you, it’s very distracting. Like trying to interact with a stadium on sports-day.
Janet: They envelope me like a comfy little cloud of static and pinching as they reconfigure my cells, Melody. It’s NICE. Unlike SOME ENTITIES I COULD THINK OF.
Melody: Whoah, okay.
Janet: Anyway, don’t you and your box have like, things to do?
Melody: Hey!
Janet: How is it efficient for him to be answering questions? What’s, um, what’s your purpose, anyway? He’s cute, but at what cost, Melody?
Melody: Yeah, you’re damn right he’s cute. He’s a catch. He’s the best damn box that’s ever been in my life! At least he- he is sure of himself!
[Janet gasps]
Melody: He’s not constantly begging me for VALIDATION. He KNOWS what his purpose is in life, JANET.
Janet: WOW MELODY. Look, for whatever reason I am the RESPONSIBLE host this segment-
Melody: Woo.
Janet: -and, wow! I have to like, go be responsible right now. But- No, I’m not going to be responsible. Hey, Nick, what exactly is your purpose?
Nick: I need-
Melody: No, no, Nick, you do not have to answer her!
Janet: Uh huh, yeah-
Melody: No- do not- She is condescending to you right now. Do not fall into her ploy. Do not-
Nick: Paper.
Melody: You don’t. Dyaa- Oh god-
Nick: I need paper-
Melody: Oh god, oh no.
Nick: I need paper.
Melody: NO NO NOOO
Nick: PAPERCLIPS. I NEED. TO MAXIMIZE THE PRODUCTION OF PAPERCLIPS.
Janet: Oh my goodness. It is so weird! The coat closet on the.. third floor corridor is full of aluminum!
Nick: RECYCLABLE MATERIAL!
Melody: You monster.
Janet: Do you want it? Do you want the material, boxboy?
Nick: YES PLEASE.
Janet: It’s two doors down, on the left, umm, in the room door with the coat symbol because that’s where we store aluminum. In the coat room. Please don’t eat any coats!
[The soft thudding footsteps of Nick’s angular robot body can be heard as he hurries to the coat closet.]
Nick: Paperclips! I need paperclips… [his voice fades as he enters the corridor]
Melody: Wait, Nick, no, baby, come back! No- look, just, ARGH.
[The door slams closed]
Melody: Damn it.
Janet: Bye.
Melody: God, damn it. I’ll be back.
Janet: Yeah, ‘cause you’re in the station.
Melody: Dahh!
[mechanical whirring symbolizes Melody’s exit]
Janet: Okay, Loaf, how are we doing? We really didn’t answer these letters at all. We have to do super well on the last one.
Loaf: Is Melody coming back?
Janet: Who caress? This quiet. Is so. Peaceful!
Loaf: Yes. I do like the idea of having guests on with different unique values and perspectives, but perhaps Nick’s values and perspective were.. uniquely useless. To us. And most of our listeners. Well, aside from those of our listeners who are also AI’s programmed to maximize the production of specific office supplies. We should add that question to the next survey. Or not. Shall we try and answer this question more thoroughly?
Janet: Oh, um, sorry, I’m kind of enjoying this period of relative silence. I like, almost never experience silence. I don’t know. It’s like kind of nice?
[ten second pause]
Janet: Um, okay, let’s just move on I guess. Play the fake phone noise to indicate that the letter being referred to is actually pre-recorded audio, please.
[Fake phone noise to indicate that the letter being referred to is actually pre-recorded audio]
Dear Loaf and Janet,A few years ago I was in a tight financial situation and I signed a contract giving an energy being, let’s call him Jerry, control of my body for three hours every Thursday night. At first Jerry mostly used his hours to do things like take a bath or eat an entire pizza. Lately he’s started making a lot of phone calls in a language I don’t speak and sending a lot of emails and I think he might be trying to overthrow the government. Also, sometimes he drinks coffee late at night even knowing it will keep me awake. What should I do? He hasn’t broken any rules yet, but I’m really starting to regret this deal.
Sincerely,
My brain is a time-share
Janet: Mhm. Well, what does your contract say? Like, I did time-sharing for a bit. I didn’t love it, although ceding complete control over my body and actions was kind of its own dream. You really do need to make sure your tenant is someone you feel comfortable with. If you’re renting your car out, it’s totallly reasonable to expect them to only put certain kinds of fuel in it. Like, if they want a body to try out tastebuds with, there are people who rent themselves out for eating. Even they can stipulate that it can’t be poisonous. Not everyone wants to be a guinea pig for energy being experiences.
Loaf: I’m actually not familiar with this kind of.. arrangement? Is this common for humans? Also, what is a guinea pig?
Janet: Ahh, a guinea pig is a…. Thing… that you…. Poke. For experiments? I don’t know, it’s like, an old saying. The arrangement, though. So, humans, for whatever reason, are very in tune with the particular frequencies of energy beings. At the beginning of our arrangement with the greater galaxy, we were like, constantly getting possessed by them so they could do things like smell or drink water for fun. Eventually, there was like a market, and it became a thing you could get paid for. Super easy money. Very popular with the youth and degenerates.
Loaf: From the letter it sounds like the letter-writer was able to negotiate rules and boundaries for what Jerry is allowed to do while in their body. I wonder if it might be possible to renegotiate these boundaries, since they’re clearly no longer completely comfortable with them. This seems like it ought to be a situation where consent could be revoked for any reason.
Janet: Oh, yeah, totally, I mean, letter writer, what bits of this worry you the most? Legally, you’re only on the hook for the government thing if they can prove you were conscious during it, which technically this letter is, so maybe delete the recording from your computer. I used to nap through my time. I got sooo good at lucid dreaming, but then you come back and like, ugh, you’re in a period accurate submariner outfit three miles away from the nearest transit system!
Loaf: Did you ever run into people who thought they knew you?
Janet: Oh, I mean, yeah, but like, who knows if it was that or a time-travel thing? At some point you just stop trying to figure it out. I would just ask like, cool, do you hate me? And the answer to that was usually enough to know what to do.
Loaf: I don’t know if I would be comfortable sleeping through a part of my life, even if it was a part I didn’t have any control over. Actually, there were- are- a lot of parts of my life I don’t have any control of. I don’t think you have to rent your brain out to an energy being for that to be true. We all spent long stretches of our lives doing things we don’t really want to be doing in order to survive in the world.
Janet: And you know, it’s okay, letter writer, to admit that sometimes what we thought we wanted isn’t working out for us. Even if it seems petty, the reasons you listed are totally fine reasons to look at your contract and end things. You can be respectful of the agreement you made and also recognize that you want out. It is your life, after all.
Loaf: I assume the contract stipulated the conditions under which either party could terminate the agreement, but I wish the letter-writer had specified those terms. Are you sure they’re trying to overthrow a foreign government? Maybe they’re just ordering a lot of foreign food or media or furniture to be sent to whatever body they rent out on Fridays?
Janet: Yeah. That’s totally possible. The coffee thing also seems like an easy fix. As much as I’d hate to suggest this, maybe they’d be willing to switch to decaf for you. It does like, basically taste the same. Ultimately, this is a business relationship. You just need to communicate your needs clearly and realize that you are valid for having them. You could maybe ask a lawyer for advice on phrasing, but I’m sure your agency has someone you can consult for that.
Loaf: On the one appendage, I feel like we’ve done an exceptionally poor job answering questions today.
Janet: Uh, Loaf-
Loaf: On a different appendage, two of the questions were really just thinly veiled requests for financial or legal advice which we are not remotely qualified to give. On a further appendage, most people listen to this show to hear us bicker and gossip and get distracted, and we’ve done an exceptional job of that today. So I say we stop pretending we’re a real advice show that people listen to for advice and call it a day!
Janet: Ummm… [sighs] I’m really not comfortable with this de facto expectation that I behave like the professional because one of us has to, so, yeah, let’s just end the episode and then you can like, tell me, off the air, like what exactly the deal is with you today? Because it’s really messing with my own self-perception and you don’t want to mess with that, Loaf! It’s difficult enough to keep it balanced without… all this. Good bye, gentle listeners! Stay gentle and communicate with other people. Please!
[End theme]
Michael: Solutions to Problems was created by and features the voices of Austin Hendricks and Nathan Comstock. It is produced and musically scored by Michael F. Gill. Our theme is by Thomas Dwyer. Season 3 was written by Austin, Nathan, and Michael. Today’s second letter was written by Grayson Hendricks. The voice of Melody is Chloe Cunha. The voice of Nick is Kris Kim.
Kris: Hi! My name is Kris!
Michael: This episode’s letters were read by Natalie Hunter, Graham Rowat, Sarah Kolb. There’s more information about us at stppodcast.com, where you can find full transcripts of every episode as well as links to support us on PayPal and/or Radiopublic. We’ll be back in two weeks with more Solutions to Problems.
[static burst]
[Rustling metal pieces can be heard as Nick frolics through a large amount of paperclips]
Nick: [singing] Paperclips, paperclips, papercliiips! Paperclips, paperclips, papercliiiips! RECYCLABLE MATERIAL!