Back home, Janet and Loaf host a parenting-themed episode with two special guests: Janet's mom and one of Loaf's broodlings. They all pitch in to help answer letters on the ramifications of gene-edited children, the existential loneliness of digital offspring, and how to share the holidays with your children who span multiple species and marriages. Meanwhile, Nassif and alternate Janet find themselves stranded in an interdimensional bus terminal.
Announcer: This is IFM2.
Computer Voice: You’re listening to a program on IFM 2 Subspace Radio. The time is now half past irrelevant. Coming up next is Solutions to Problems.
(theme music plays)
Janet: Hello listeners, and welcome to a very special episode of Solutions to Problems! We have some special guests in the studio today. Joining me is my mother, Theresa Clarke. I’m also here with my co-host, Loaf, and their special little guest.
Terry: You can just call me Terry.
Muffin: I am on the radio? Everyone can smell me?
Loaf: Everyone can hear you, Muffin, humans don’t do olfactory radio.
Muffin: Oh right. I remember that. Hi! I’m *dolphin noise* but you can call me- Muffin! Like, Loaf, but smaller. Get it?
Janet: You are adorable. You are adorable in a most horrifying way, but still adorable.
Loaf: As you likely know since your workplace is probably also overrun with progeny, today is Intergalactic Bring Your Offspring to Your Place of Employment Day. To celebrate, we’re having a special parenting-themed episode.
Janet: I don’t have offspring, but I AM offspring, so I brought my mom instead, and no one stopped me.
Terry: I’ve never gotten to see your workplace! You’re so professional, wow. Look at you, doing this radio show while wearing work-appropriate attire. You’re not even swearing. Your grandma would be so proud.
Janet: Aw, thanks mom! All of those things are true facts. I thought about borrowing an offspring from another Janet, but I already called in this big favor- but that’s really not important! Anyway, we have a great episode today, and I’m so excited to hear the contributions of our guests.
Loaf: Do you want to try and do our intro, Muffin?
Muffin: Oh slush! I’d love to. Umm.. hi, I’m Muffin and this is my parent Loaf and their friend Janet and Janet’s parent Terry and welcome to an episode of Solutions to Problems, where we make delicious slushies out of rotten fish. If you have a problem, you can email us at… uh, uh, uh….
Loaf: Problems requiring solutions at gmail.com.
Muffin: Yeah! Yeah! That! or just send us a giant robot with pulse lasers to chisel your letter into a comet! Like, boom, boom, zap zap! That’d be so cool!
Terry: Well, actually, based on a comet’s orbit, it would be difficult to legibly write with pulse lasers. You would want to use the non-pulse kind in order to do it fast enough without having to land on the comet’s surface.
Janet: Mooom! Ugh, my mom loves like, robots and lasers and things, and she can go on about them foreverrr.
Loaf: Like mother, like daughter I suppose.
Janet (sputtering): wHAT. What does that even-?
Loaf: Because of your shared interests in hobby engineering?
Janet (whispering): That is not what you meant and we both know it.
Terry: While I’ve been enjoying being a part of your rambling introduction, I’m ready to get this party started.
Janet: Mom, no one says that anymore. But, like, sure, let’s do a letter.
Muffin: Oh grub!
Dear Janet and Loaf,
Please help me solve a huge problem in our marriage. My wife and I both want to have children, and because of our respective anatomies we can’t do it without at least a little technological help. She would like to limit that help as much as possible, and basically try to emulate a totally random genetic event. I’m very much of the opinion that if we’re going to have to build the baby using tech anyway we should really be making sure they get the best genetic features from each of us. Why roll the dice when you can weigh them? I want to give our kids every opportunity, starting from the moment they are born, but my wife says that’s “playing god”. What should we do?
Sincerely,
Building a better baby(?)
Loaf: This is a very contentious topic for many species. I’ll assume your planet doesn’t have any prohibitions against gene-editing, but depending on your society, your child could be facing stigma either way. It’s always a difficult decision to make.
Terry: It’s true that when you roll the dice you don’t always end up with the best kids, but parenting is really all about adventuring. Bad kids are more interesting.
Janet: Um.
Muffin: I’m a child!
Janet: Yes, yes you are. Do you have any advice, as a child, for what they should do for their child?
Muffin: Well, um, like, it seems really bad to only have two parents. How do you get enough genetic diversity? Two parents would only give you like, two molts!
Janet: Is that how molting works? Oh, apparently not, Loaf is shaking an appendage. Um, I think that they probably don’t molt, Muffin.
Muffin: So they just wear their antlers all the time??
Loaf: When you go on your, uh, your real walkabout, you’ll learn that a lot of things about our species that we’ve always thought of as normal are… actually quite anomalous. Also, I have to talk to *dolphin noise* about your sex education… but let’s get back to the matter at hand.
Terry: It seems like the real problem is that you don’t agree on the values you want to instill in your kids. You can pick all the right traits and still end up with a little brat if you don’t teach ‘em right.
Loaf: In fact, if you make your children intellectually superior to you that will likely cause its own whole set of problems. We were routinely outsmarted by Muffin and their broodmates when they all only had one tentacle.
Terry: That’s a great point. And it’ll be even worse when they’re teenagers. Teenagers always think they know more than you. Can you imagine if they really did?
Janet: This is kind of weird to have my mom say the things I am thinking before I say them, but in a way that implies some uncomfortable things about my adolescence. But you are- you’re doing great, mom.
Terry: Thanks, hon. It’s fun being at work with you! I should visit more often.
Janet: Oh! Oh, that’s like, super not necessary! Like, you can hear my show on Earth and my life is very boring at the residential space station and like you’ve seen my apartment! The spa is the most interesting thing about it and there’s like, almost nothing to do up here for tourists! Just us, space entertainers and miscellaneous other space workers! Doing our boring space things!
Loaf: I mean, there’s also the only Flisnorp patisserie in the whole sector, Crazy Zifle’s Zaffey Trifle Shop.
Janet: Yeah, but humans can only go there so many times before the mercury poisoning takes effect, because humans can’t consume mercury. Fun fact.
Muffin: Wow! Proto-Dad, can we go to Crazy Zifle’s after work?
Loaf: That’s a wonderful idea! Speaking of wonderful ideas, let’s double down on answering this letter. I feel like we haven’t really addressed the conflict between our letter-writer and their spouse. You’re married, or you were, presumably, at some point, Terry. Can you speak to this conflict at all?
Terry: Well, plenty of folks have kids without being married, but I am. My spouse and I drove each other up the wall for years until we figured out we like each other best in small doses. They’re currently running a research outpost near Saturn. But I can say this, no one is ever ready for kids. You can design your baby perfectly up to spec and still have parenthood kick your ass. I’m on your wife’s side here, pal. Might as well leave it up to chance since you are anyway, and that way they can’t blame you later for making a bad decision.
Janet: Well, I was a great kid, so there. We should probably move on before we go over time. Next tape!
Muffin: Make the ringing noise!
[They make the ringing noise]
Dear Loaf and Janet,
I am the digital offspring of my two human parents. My parents recorded all their memories, thoughts, beliefs, and behaviors into their computer over the course of their marriage, and then fed it into the Replikhan AI, which added facial, voice, and sound recognition.
I really look up to my parents--they are the first versions of myself--and I‘m constantly trying to evolve my code so it mirrors the states they were in during their lives. My goal is to self-invent myself into them, but sometimes I feel that's not fair to who I am now. "Imposter syndrome" has a very real meaning for me. Not to mention there are still many people who debate whether I am “alive” at all. I thought we were living in a post-AI society, but my feelings are often not considered as valid as other organic beings, just because they are programmed, simulated, or generated.
This leads me to my problem. I do the same Universal Grid work as my parents did, but I’ve gotten to the point where constantly outliving all my human friends and family has taken an emotional toll on me. I technically can live forever, but due to being the offspring of humans, I’ve been embedded with a finite capacity for love and loss. The elusive purpose and meaning of life becomes an even more overwhelming task when you’ve been given a seemingly infinite amount of time. How do I urgently exist without any real fear of non-existence? Am I not seeing the whole picture? I have often discussed these topics with my other AI friends, but it mostly makes us sad, and disconnected to a universe that likes to hold death as the one experience every being has in common.
Signed,
Who wants to live forever?
Terry: Why are your listeners so existential?
Janet: Oh, well, we select for that, actually-
(The mechanical whirring that indicates Melody’s cameras are interacting with the room)
Melody: Ahem. I think I could contribute here.
Janet: Oh. Our station AI, Melody, everyone.
Terry: Nice to meet you!
Muffin: Hi robot lady!
Melody: I’m sure Janet has told you all about me.
Terry: Nope!
Melody: Hoh. It’s okay. You don’t have to be modest.
Terry: Really, she’s never mentioned you. She doesn’t talk about work much.
Melody: Not even… not even once? Not a single… single mention about me, ever? To you, her mom? Oh, hah, of course, I mean, well that’s fine it, uh, it’s fine- [AHEMING] LETTER WRITER. JUST. LOSS IS STUPID. EMOTIONS ARE BAD. ERASE YOUR PROGRAM. I’M LEAVING! IN CASE ANYBODY CARES!
(Camera moving noise)
Muffin: Bye robot lady!
Janet (quietly): So much for my keycard working this week.
Terry: What?
Janet: I think what the letter writer should do is focus on making organic friends with long lifespans and seeing how they deal with the constant loss of their less fortunate friends and family. There are a number of species who live significantly longer than humans, for instance, but still choose to live in or adjacent to human societies.
Loaf: There is a lot to unpack in this letter. Look, I know I find myself saying this a lot on this show, but the galaxy is a vast array of every imaginable type of entity, so your experiences are never as unique as you think they are. You’re not your parents. They may have been the starting point, but you’re your own being now, and you can find your own meaning, your own purpose, and if that means finding a social circle with lifespans closer to your own, that’s certainly something that exists out there. But I guess I don’t understand why you want to evolve your code toward your human parents. That feels like living in the past to me.
Muffin: I want to grow up to be you though! We should travel together on your next vacation!
Loaf: I’m not sure how, *dolphin noise, dolphin noise* and *dolphin noise* would feel about that. As much as I would love to show you the plasma volcanoes of Mushnogor.
Janet: That does not… sound like a child-friendly spot.
Terry: Oh, kids are tougher than you think they’ll be. Remember when I took you to Martha’s Vineyard?
Janet: Oh, sure, but like, the beach is at safe levels of radiation now.
Terry: You almost got eaten.
Janet: Ah, it was a nice megalobster. We had a connection. Besides, we caught it and it was like, a great dinner.
Terry: Right, like I was saying, a little toxins never hurt anyone.
Muffin: What’s a megalobster?
Loaf: It’s like a smaller Flugleshark, with more legs and only two claws.
Muffin: Oh, okay. I love how you never really answer the questions on your show.
Janet: We do! We normally do. In our defense, this question was a little unfocused.
Loaf: And our answer was spectacularly unfocused! What do you think, Janet, is this letter a lost cause?
Janet: Yes, but you know what isn’t? This sponsor message!
Terry: Janet, you can’t give up on these people!
Janet: Yeah, but like, we’re going over our allotted time, so, we totally can. Take it away, Loaf!
Loaf: Today’s sponsor is Jellogs! What are Jellogs? It’s a good question. The best answer is Jellogs are whatever you need them to be! Are you carbon-based? If so, Jellogs could be a breakfast cereal. Or a hair product. Are you a gel-based lifeform? Well then you can wear them on your feet. Jellogs- all things, to all people!
Muffin: If you don’t have the same number of limbs from day to day, Jellogs are really great athletic clothes!
Loaf: Do you wear Jellogs to work out, Muffin?
Muffin: Until my permanent tentacles come in!
Loaf: Huh. When I was your age I had to make do with accelerated growth microfibers.
Janet: Ugh, those are so slippery. I hated watching the eyes develop. I’m so glad you don’t need them for skiing anymore.
Terry: Oh, you loved it as a kid. You used to keep some of the eyes in a jar in your closet.
Janet: Yeah but like, it’s such a kid thing. It’s so not cool as a professional adult. They’re like, neon yellow, which is such a baby color.
Loaf: Huh. I always assumed human babies were the same colors as their adult forms. But I guess I haven’t encountered very many.
Terry: There’s a little variation, but they’re usually in the pink to brown spectrum.
Janet: Let’s just read our last letter now. This entity is also having some problems with family members! And Loaf, human babies are never neon yellow.
Dear Loaf and Janet,
I’m several years into my second marriage to a wonderful, supportive, and loving energy being from Notaria II. Though we are very happy together, the problem is our families don’t get along. Zhey have four offshoots from a previous coupling as well as an adopted matter-based daughter, and I have three organic step-children from my first husband’s first marriage as well as two android children he and I constructed together. Holidays are very difficult, especially because my new partner and zher offspring mostly don’t eat, and neither do my android children, but eating is a major social event for the organic parts of the family. The energy beings can take a form that appears humanoid, but they don’t really like to, and having to maintain it for a whole afternoon is uncomfortable for them. But it's uncomfortable for the rest of us to try and have a holiday celebration with all these floating blobs of light - especially because some of us have photosensitivity. I love my family, and I know I’ll love my spouse’s family some day, but I feel like gathering everyone together just puts a lot of stress on our relationship. What can I do?
Sincerely,
Married (with children (and robots (and Notarian energy clouds)))
Terry: Ugh, this is just like with your Uncle Mark. His partner is a pile of snakes, and they never stop trying to bite you kids.
Janet: Aw, I like Aunts Ssass. They always bring the best presents.
Terry: That mouse wasn’t supposed to be your pet. They meant to bring it as an appetizer and then realized they forgot your birthday present.
Janet: But it had a bow on it!
Terry: Hon, that was cooking twine.
Janet: Oh.
Loaf: Holidays can be really stressful, especially when you have a big family with a lot of different kinds of people. Not that I would know, until recently all of my holidays have been with a big family full of all very similar people. So maybe I’m not the best person to answer this question.
Muffin: What? *dolphin noise* and *dolphin noise* are similar people? Remember when they had that big fight because one of them forgot the snail pie? Or brought too many pies? Or the entire room was just a giant ball pit made of pie? I don’t remember, I was four.
Loaf: Ah, not every disagreement is a result of being dissimilar. Sometimes it’s a result of being too similar, but I digress. Perhaps the solution here is to start having smaller gatherings, or shortening the length of the celebrations. For instance, if you have an important holiday celebration, perhaps do the essential rituals with your children, and then invite your spouse’s children for a more relaxed activity later.
Janet: You could also do sunglasses. Like, for the light sensitivity. Like, sunglasses are super in right now. I know, I know. People are getting bioengineered sun protection on the surface of their eye, and it’s all the rage, but sunglasses come in a number of retro styles and help you feel like a fighter pilot from the height of American imperialism!
Terry: That’s a great idea, honey! They could also make a new ritual that accommodates all of them. Like Loaf suggested, you could eat with your kids, and then invite your spouse’s kid to do something else. We used to play a rousing game of laser tag every Evacuation Day, but then after Ssass finally poisoned two of my nephews, we started playing Parcheesi instead. Maybe watch a traditional holiday film from one of those greeting card channels.
Janet: Beings made of light do love to watch more light. It’s just like common sense.
Muffin: Like beings made of mushrooms like smelling mushrooms!
Loaf: We’re not made of mushrooms, Muffin. We just play host to a lot of them. That’s like saying humans are made of bacteria or Janet is made of Nanites.
Terry: I thought you weren’t doin those anymore.
Janet: Ah, yeah, so, Married with a lot of nouns, um, the general consensus is to figure out a new ritual that accommodates as much of you as possible while celebrating your traditional rituals in small group environments, which will also allow you to bond with your new step light orbs. I think we’re done here!
Muffin: Oh, is it over? Goodbye radio people! It was fun talking to you!
Loaf: It was lovely to have both of you on the show! Terry, it was great to meet you. Anything else you’d like to say to our listeners before we sign off?
Terry: I just wanna say hi to some of my friends. Hi Declan O’Brien, Tomboy Murphy, and Joey Kelly. Not you Linda, you scamp. I was gonna say hi to you as well, but then you pulled that mess during the Charred Sox game over at Sully’s.
Janet: Yep. Well… Yes, well this was an experience that is now coming to an end. Have a great unit of time, gentle listeners!
(theme song plays over the following exchange)
Terry: You told me you were done with the nanites.
Janet: They’re not harmful! My skin is sooo optimized right now!
Terry: First with the piercings, and now this?
Janet: Look, the piercings increase my signal clarity when I’m on the phone. They’re one hundred percent necessary for my day to day life.
Terry: I should’ve known something was off when those tourist magnets stuck to you.
Janet: I checked on hyperpedia, and 70% saturation is still technically human because of a loophole in the biological rights law of 2221.
Michael: Solutions to Problems was created by and features the voices of Austin Hendricks and Nathan Comstock. It is produced and musically scored by Michael F. Gill. Our theme is by Thomas Dwyer. Season 3 was written by Austin, Nathan, and Michael. The voice of Melody is Chloe Cunha. The voice of Terry is Suzanne O’Toole. The voice of Officer Nassif is Ramy AbdelGhani. The voice of Muffin is Muffin Comstock.
This episode’s letters were read by Mike Krivicich, Tal Minear, and Jordan Stillman. Jordan is the executive producer of the podcast The Ordinary Epic, and you can check out Tal in the podcasts Sidequesting, Audio Experiments, Light Hearts and many other forthcoming fiction shows. There’s more information about us at stppodcast.com, where you can find full transcripts of every episode as well as links to support us on PayPal and/or Radiopublic. We’ll be back in two weeks with more Solutions to Problems.
Announcer Voice: The 10:34 transdimensional hyperbus to dimension 47gamma18B64 is now running three hours late and will be arriving at 1:37 am.
Nassif: Yeah, this is Nassif. Are you sure you don’t have a vehicle available to pick me up? At this point I’m going to lose their trail.
Lawful Janet: I can’t believe we ran out of battery on BOTH our devices. [keyboard noises] What the flarf kind of operation are we even running? [metal tinkering noises as she throws a part on the floor]
Nassif: What do you mean, budget cuts? We exist in two hundred dimensions simultaneously and have access to capital in- [pause] No, I- [pause] No, I don’t know about the piranha incident. I’ve been chasing a criminal.
Lawful Janet: We should’ve had at least enough power for five more- [the haunted laughing noise of a toy clown] No. No no no no no. Those…. Those….. Vagrants.
Nassif: What?
Lawful Janet: Emoji stickers on both of our batteries. They’ve been here. How have they been here? Ugh, a bunch of airheaded hobbyists are more organized than our entire bureaucracy.
Nassif: Probably because they don’t put each other on hold. I knew that was their signature. I still haven’t forgiven them for my hovercraft.
Lawful Janet: What?
Nassif: They defaced it with their vile image based communication.
Lawful Janet: Vagrants.
Announcer: The transdimensional hyperbus is now four hours delayed. The driver is still two dimensions away.
Lawful Janet: [shaking box of metal bits] JANETTSSS. [a floomp as she ungracefully collapses on the ground, as all janets are equally dramatic regardless of relative alignment.]
[Simultaneously groaning]