In another alternate universe, Janet and Loaf are guests on "Problems Requiring Solutions", a show hosted by an alternate version of Melody. A dozen listeners call in to help Loaf and Janet with their problems regarding Armulan divorce, time travel tech support, and how to tell other versions of yourself that you want to see other people.
Robot voice: This is IFM2. [80’s radio noises announcing AN EPISODE IS COMING]
Different, more British robot voice: You’re listening to a program on IFM2 Subspace Radio. The time is now half past irrelevant. Coming up next is Problems Requiring Solutions.
[Theme song plays. It’s… a little different. A little tinnier, maybe more aggressive. Lots of THX sound energy]
Melanie [who is definitely not Melody, even if they sound the same]: Hello, toughest of listeners! Welcome to Problems Requiring Solutions, the intergalactic advice show where you, the listeners, help our gender-neutral damsels in distress be less distressed by helping them to fight off their entirely metaphorical and extremely mundane dragons. Joining me in the studio today are Loaf and Jen, Jenner- General? Two beings from an alternate universe, who, ha! Host their own radio show there! How quaint! Welcome to this universe. Probably the better one.
Janet: It’s Janet. And thanks for having us, Melody- Melanie.
Melanie: So, what’s your show about?
Janet: Well, listeners send us questions and we answer them.
Melanie: Oh! Are you experts?
Loaf: At what, exactly?
Melanie: Advice giving!
Loaf: Well, I don’t know exactly what qualifies one as an expert at ‘advice-giving’ but I would say-
Melanie: SO NOO! Oh ho! What a foolish premise! If you would like to solve the problems of these hapless, empty, adviceless souls, give us a call at 0019210938308629834203424b. [As she reads the numbers, her voice speeds up and becomes increasingly robotic before reverting to normal at “b”] Don’t forget the “B”. So, before we delve into your problems, why don’t you each tell us a little something about yourselves? Let’s start with you, lumpy.
Loaf: Which one of us is…
Janet: She was definitely talking about you! Definitely you. Definitely you.
Loaf: I prefer to think of them as... humps. Well let’s see, I’m from Armulus Zeta Zombort, I’m on my fourth life, I have about twelve broodlings, and I am currently running away from some very emotionally and financially complicated divorce proceedings, the likes of which haven’t been seen on my planet for literally centuries.
Melanie mmhms and ahs at Loaf’s responses as he is speaking.
Melanie: Ooh boy! That is a bag of three-headed snakes on the empty planes of the wasteland moon for sure! What about you, marginally less and slightly more attractive lumpy?
Janet: Uh… What? Um, well, I’m a human from my version of Earth. I’m currently on the run from the law in at least three universes for various time travel violations, and I enjoy succulents, money, and the musical stylings of the late twentieth century Earth adolescent groups.
Melanie: My! Aren’t you just a delightful little poisonous rodent inching towards a series of inappropriately comical death traps! Ooh ooh ooh. Coochie Coo. I would pinch your little cheeks if I had hands. What would you like our listeners to advise you on today?
Janet: Oh, I thought like, we just did that. And then now they, like, talk to us.
Melanie: Interesting! Very interesting that you think that. They let you give advice. No, no no no you shattered piece of concrete for bipeds to trip upon, you have to ask a question first.
Loaf: Well, we’ve certainly heard a lot questions in our time as advice radio hosts, it shouldn’t be too hard to formulate our own. Let’s see, hold on, uh… Ok. Got it.
Dear Audience,
I’m an Armulan from an alternate universe. My species has a lot of different genders, and each gender has very specific duties involved with child-rearing and spousal-community organization. I was away on my universe’s version of Earth and I ended up staying a long time, and I didn’t really want to go home, but I finally did go home and some of it was nice, but there was a lot of unpleasantness which eventually led to my decision to uh… leave. Technically, there is precedent for one member of a… lets call it a “marriage”... to part with the others, but as far as I know it hasn’t happened in a very long time. I want to still be able to see my broodlings from time to time. I don’t know if that’s going to be possible. I feel liberated but also very alone.
Sincerely,
uh,
They usually come up with a pun for this part, but I have to admit I’m feeling a bit put on the spot.
Melanie: Huh, okay so you’re basically a deadbeat dad. Alright, listeners! What a convoluted but ultimately mundane problem that is! Was there a question in that, cause I didn’t hear one.
Loaf: I need advice on navigating a divorce. And I may also be going through a bit of a midwife crisis.
Janet: Oh, you mean a midlife crisis. This is your 4th life, so it totally makes sense. It’s not embarrassing at all. [whispering] It’s a little embarassing.
Loaf: No, during the 4th and 5th life, many members of my species have a strong urge to become midwives. We are experiencing loss and are looking for rebirth, and this is the easiest way we can get it.
Melanie: That’s a lot of talking without an actual question, but this isn’t Space Jeopardy, so we’re just gonna roll right through. Caller Number 1, you gotta be a lotta fun, or you get the boot. You’re on void.
*Phone beep*
Caller Number 1: Oh my gosh, I’m like never number one. This is soooo exciting.
Melanie: Technically, you were Caller Number 567, but pretty much all of those were spam or on our ban list, so, yeah, I guess you are special. Not banned yet! Haha, just wait.
Caller Number 1: Sure? Okay, so like, divorce really sucks. It really, really sucks, but I’m on my fifth divorce, and you just like, you just gotta power through it-
Melanie: I’m bored. Caller Number 2, please don’t sue, you’re on void!
Caller number 2: Loaf, it sounded like you were asking about getting partial custody of the twelve broodlings? It that right?
Loaf: I don’t want to have to take care of them, but I also don’t want to be out of their lives completely.
Melanie: *cough* Deadbeat dad!
Caller number 2: So you’re looking for visitation rights? That shouldn’t be too difficult. Have you lawyered up yet?
Loaf: Why would I need a lawyer? I haven’t committed any crimes. That I know of, anyway.
Janet: Ooh, about that. Sorry, you’re probably implicated in a few by now - it’ll be totally fine- but like, you know, a divorce lawyer.
Loaf: What?
Janet: A divorce lawyer! Most species who get divorces hate the other person soooo much that they hire someone to mediate their separation and split their assets.
Loaf: I don’t know about that. Finding one of these “divorce lawyers” who is familiar enough with Armulan family structures would likely be impossible.
Caller Number 2: Well, sure, but traditionally according to Armulan law a Brood Officiator can also unofficiate the marriage, which is how divorces used to be done back when there was a smaller population. And since brood officiators live an exceptionally long time, you may be able to find the one that was alive for the last divorce.
Melanie: Caller number 2, you seem to know a lot about Arma-looloos. Are you from there too?
Caller number 2: No, I’m just your run of the mill Xenoanthropologist specializing in polyamory models. I teach a course on them every third semester at Ares Community College.
Melanie: Well that’s fascinating. Thanks for your input. See, real experts! Caller number 3, what’ll it be?
Caller Number 3: Are you sure you can’t just fix your marriage? Then you can live with your kids all the time!
Loaf: Uh, yes, I am sure.
Caller Number 3: Okay, that was all I had.
Melanie: Oh-ho! Number three, always disappointing. Caller Number 4, do some parkour!
Janet: Okay, that doesn’t make any sense.
Melanie: Well, my rhyming thesaurus is running a little low after producing an episode a day for five years, not to brag. Caller 4! Say words! You have the floor!
[Phone beep]
Caller Number 4: Long time caller, first time listener. Hi Melanie!
Melanie: Don’t acknowledge me. I’m extremely capricious.
Caller Number 4: Look, now I don’t know anything about Broodlings, but I do know a lot about raising children.
Loaf: Broodlings is what we call our children.
Caller Number 4: Right, right, so you said you have, uh, how many spouses?
Loaf: I’m not sure I did say, but thirteen.
Caller Number 4: Yeah, well I only have two. But let me tell you this, when our quadruplets were born, all three of us wanted to be the “cool parent,” and none of us wanted to be the “tough parent,” and now all four of them are spoiled brats! You have to have a plan. And you can’t just say you want to be the cool parent who visits and has fun sometimes and never does any real parenting. That’s not fair to your ex-spouses. You want a relationship with these kids, you gotta offer to put in some work.
Melanie: That’s right!
Loaf: That’s actually a really good point. Something to think about anyway.
Caller Number 4: My sister still coparents with her ex. It isn’t easy but they make it work. No reason you can’t do the same.
Melanie: Well, I’m over this question now. What else you got?
Loaf: I feel like we were just starting to get some actually useful answers rather than just a bunch of pointless banter-
Melanie: Ohhh!Y ou’re as adorable as a pile of rocks that has fallen into the pattern of a lopsided kitten! But, no, we’re done. Next question please? Jan...elle? Janine? Janubula? Janebula?
Janet: JANET! It’s Janet! How can you forget our names when you are literally a computer?
Melanie: I don’t know what you mean. Memory leaks happen all the time Janey Janey banana-bo-faney.
Janet: Janet! It’s- are technical questions allowed?
Melanie: Technical questions… there are no limits on Problems Requiring Solutions where actual experts answer our actual questions.
Janet: Um, okay, so, the questions are still actual questions regardless of whether or not we are professional advice givers. So, hypothetically, let’s say you’ve been universe hopping on an MX5000 with a human passenger and an Armulan one, and the calibration you chose to compensate for the biological variation has overtaxed your engine and you still have five universes left to hop and only a standard Earth repair kit to fix it with, what do you recommend?
Loaf: I thought you said the fire was normal-
Janet: It’s normal! SO HYPOTHETICALLY if there was a fire what should I be doing?
Melanie: Excuse me, did you even try? You didn’t address our listeners OR end with a pun. It’s like you don’t understand the universal format of advice shows.
Janet: Fine! Dear wonderful listeners, my question is the thing I just said about my time thing being on fire. Love… ah… Time Looped Around
Melanie: That’s not a very good pun.
Janet: Really? Um… Time Traveler Abroad?
Melanie: Hmm. You’re universe hopping though, not time traveling, so…
Janet: The mechanics are basically the same! Um, Alternate… Whirled? Like, because like, I’m in an alternate universe but also like, I’m-
Melanie: Mmm, nuh uh. No, it’s not. No, no. sorry.
Janet: Loaf, do you have one?
Loaf: Death and Overtaxing.
Melanie: Ooh, that’s acceptable. I like this lumpy one. Caller number five, strive/thrive/ and don’t be contrived!
Caller number 5: Is that legal?
Janet: Uh, in my universe, let’s say yes.
Caller number 5: That scans. Good luck!
Janet: Thanks!
Melanie: Alright, thanks for that clarification. Let’s see if we can find someone more helpful. As in helpful in any way. Caller number six, get off the crucifix, you’re on void.
Caller number 6: Hi Melanie! Hi mom! So, Janet, have you tried turning it off and turning it back on again?
Janet: I did try, but it was still on fire after the reset.
Caller number 6: Fair enough. I work in IT. Nine times out of ten, that solves the problem.
Loaf: Well, I guess this is the tenth time because it didn’t work.
Caller number 6: Okay, we’ll open a ticket for you. Your number is 1376543. We’ll call you back when we have an answer. Good luck!
Janet: Uh, that’s really not necessary.
Melanie: No advertisers! You’re banned! Caller number seven, speak at your discretion. I might ban you.
Caller Number 7 (A Janet): Janet, what are you doing??
Janet: Oh, hi Janet!
Melanie: Oooh… this is getting saucy.
Caller Number 7: Don’t “Oh hi Janet me!” If you’re not careful, you’re going to throw the whole schedule off.
Janet: Ugh, the point of time travel is that we’re always on schedule, Janet! Can you at least help me out?
Caller Number 7: Did you try icing the fifth generator?
Janet: Duh, of course I did-
Caller Number 7: -AND power cycling all the systems sequentially while doing a PRAM reset?
Janet: Oh. Uh, no. I’ll uh, try that. Why a PRAM reset- you know what, nevermind, I trust you, you’re a Janet. Uh, so Melanie, Melody, whatever your name is, this problem is probably like super-solved, cause no one is better at time travel than a Janet. Thanks Janet.
Melanie: We really are supposed to take four calls per letter. It’s the rules, you statute-smashing two-eyed strangely aesthetically-pleasing cyclops. Caller number eight, pontificate!
Janet: Oh, thanks!
Caller number 8: Yee-ha! I’m finally on the show!
Melanie: Yes you are. And now you’re off the show. Ha ha! I’m drunk with power! We do want one more question but first, a message from today’s sponsor!
[soothing music begins]
Melanie: Today’s show is brought to you by 17-dimensional shuffleboard! Bored of 16-dimensional shuffleboard? Why wouldn’t you be? It’s been out for three weeks already. Everybody’s solved it and now whoever goes first wins. Get a new game in your life. 17-dimensional shuffleboard! It’ll be months before you get sick of this one.
Loaf: Wow, in our universe we’re only up to 12.
Melanie: Oof! How primitive. Well yet another reason to be glad I don’t live there. Okay, one more question. Which one of you is it gonna be? Or I can ask one, but that’s really a last resort. They’ve heard all of my problems. Oh ho. I don’t have any. I’m so carefree.
Janet: Well, I guess I have another one. Do I really have to do the letter format? We’re live on void, it really doesn’t matter.
Melanie: I don’t make the rules, Janice! Wait, yes I do. And I made that one. For a reason. So give us a question, as a letter, with a pun at the end. *exasperated noise*
Janet: But it doesn’t make sense! The signatures on our show are because the letter-writers are anonymous. But we’re not anonymous, you literally introduced us at the beginning of the show!
Melanie: I invite you on to my show, and all you do is criticize me. Fine. Just tell us a problem. You can break my carefully considered and calibrated format if you want.
Janet: Okay, great! So like, let’s say hypothetically-
Melanie: If you keep asking hypothetical questions, then that would make you a silly little illy billy goatish because this is a show for solving REAL problems with REAL people and we do not ask ‘hypotheticals’ or ‘for a friend.’ You must own your problem, you withering dandelion stalk blown about in the wind that I strangely, strangely want to go on a date with. OWN IT.
Janet: Can you go back, a little bit? What were you saying, before you called me a name?
Melanie: Do the thing!
Janet: Fine. I think you need to, like, calm down. So. I have this club I’m in, that’s all the Janets from all the different universes that have sufficiently Janety Janets, and like, usually I’m all about helping them out with their schemes- I mean, their plans, which are legal and wholesome, but lately they’ve been planning this whole like, big to-do, and I’m just not sure I’m about this anymore? I’m a little worried I’m, like, trapped in this Janet echo chamber because I’ve been trying to be, like, less Janety, or, like, a different kind of Janet, and it’s almost nice sometimes? I mean, I went a whole week being a kind, lawful citizen, and I did not have to worry about arrest until I broke my streak and also until all the crimes I had done the week before caught up to me. I mean, all the mischiefs, which were legal and hilarious, and they were not crimes, I definitely did not do any crimes and anyway, I’m just not sure I want to keep hanging out with the other Janets when there are other people I can be friends with now?
Melanie: Is that it? Is that the end of the question? I don’t know because you didn’t sign it.
Janet: Okay, fine. So how do I tell myselves that I want to hang out with myselves less? Signed, Seeing Multiples.
Loaf: Oh hey! I think this might actually be an example of an intrapersonal relationship.
Janet: Hmm. I disagree. I think that really depends on your definition of personhood. I think since we’re differentiated beings in separate universes, we’re basically separate individuals.
Melanie: Okay, let’s go to the phones. Caller number nine, don’t be disinclined, speak!
Caller number 9: Hey, so I just want to say, right off the plasma torch, I think it's a teensy little bit narcissistic to only want to spend time with yourself, and I think people like that are toxic and you shouldn’t hang out with them. Er, they shouldn’t hang out with you. You shouldn’t hang out with you.
Janet: But I’m like, also really cool. Also the other mes are really cool. It’s not narcissistic if it’s true. And they really care about me! We check in with each other all the time.
Caller number 9: I just think you can get that validation from other, biologically distinct entities. And it would be less weird.
Loaf: I think you’re being unnecessarily judgemental, caller number nine. Let’s move along to someone else.
Caller number 9: You’re judgemental, you big broodling-abandoning blunderbuss.
Melanie: *cough* Deadbeat dad! Okay, enough of that! Don’t be a comedienne, caller number ten, you’re on with Loaf and Janoodle? Janoot? Ja-
Janet: Janet!
Caller Number 10: Hi Janet. I just want to say I totally understand what you’re going through, I also am kind of going through a transition right now, from a person who did, like, a lot of crimes to a person who only occasionally does crimes.
Melanie: NO CRIMES. Ugh, human, humans, humans. Always so obsessed with the crimes. Crimes here, crimes there, true crimes, fake crimes, crimes wearing wigs! Who cares? Not me!
Caller Number 10: Uh, yeah, uh, anyway, I think the important thing is to stay true to yourself, you know? Your other selves are going to do whatever they’re going to do, but only you get to decide what you are going to do. I mean you as in you you.
Loaf: That seems both confusing and vague. I’m beginning to see how our listeners must feel all the time.
Janet: No, but like, I totally feel that. Like, they’re me, but only me gets to be me, you know?
Caller Number 10: Yeah, exactly! Girl, you can totally go and be the you-you version of you, instead of the them-you version of you.
Janet: You are so right.
Melanie: Okay, this constant repetition is tiring me. I hope you’re not unleavened, Caller number eleven, because I’m taking you out of the oven and placing you upon the void we call radiophonic space. Go!
Caller Number 11 [a Janet, again]: Janet! It’s Janet again. You are being so rude. Why didn’t you just talk to us about it in the group chat??
Janet: Look Janet, it’s like, I’ve tried, you know, and everyone just said it’s because I haven’t been Janety enough!
Caller Number 11: Well, you haven’t been. The other day, you called out of doing vandalism with us. If you don’t want to be in the group chat, you can just tell us that.
Janet: But Janet, I love the group chat! I don’t want to leave just because I’m trying to do different and less crimes now. It’s not like I believe in the law or whatever. I’m just not sure the casual disruption of space-time is as victimless as we tell ourselves it is. Like, if we were only disrupting the space-time of various corporations, that’s one thing, you know? But it’s like, everyone’s space-time, and I’m just not sure if that’s cool anymore just so we can out-bully the people who were mean to us in high school!
Caller Number 11: Okay, but, that was so funny, Janet.
Janet: OBVIOUSLY it was soooo funny, Janet, we’re not debating whether or it was funny! Using time travel to repeatedly embed vintage pennies in various impossible places on someone’s clothing is a classic and hilarious prank, but we also maybe caused that storm system that messed up Missouri.
Caller Number 11: That was eight Missouris ago. Who cares?
Janet: Yeah, but for a while it was a really messed up Missouri.
Melanie: I’m in quite a bit of Missouri myself listening to this nonsense. Caller number twelve, save us from ourselves! Hey-hey! See what I did there?
Caller Number 11: hEY- [static]
Caller Number 12: Hi Loaf! Hi Janet! I’m a big fan!
Loaf: Oh, you are? Do we even have a show in this universe?
Caller number 12: No, I’m from your universe. And we really miss you there! Frankie and Sam and Mr. Xorfus have been trying to do the show without you and it sucks! When are you coming back?
Janet: Aw, thanks! Um, like, soon! I had planned on time traveling back in such a way that we were never gone, but you know, things happen, and I don’t think I can swing it in such a way that I don’t get arrested so, you know, I think we’ll only miss, like, two week’s worth of shows. Maybe six, tops.
Caller number 12: That’s a relief. I work for the United Federation of Postal Services delivering transdimensional mail and I just happened to tune in at the right time. So that was lucky!
Janet: We appreciate your patronage, anonymous Postal Worker! We’ll be back on void before you can say… Well, you could say a lot of words before we’re back on void, but before you could recite all the letters of the Xebit Dictionary.
Melanie: Well, hard to believe that these two have actual fans, but, as I say to my twelve-headed dog every time I have to take them for a walk, that was twelve callers, folks, so I guess it’s time to wrap up the show. You two have been great guests.
Loaf: Really?
Melanie: No! Exhaustingly mediocre at best. I should vet more carefully. But the good news is, we’re done. Goodbye, my super badass listeners. Join us tomorrow, when I’ll have renowned ornithologist Zoon Kaplun and his hyper intelligent seagull Marietta, who are sure to have some fascinating problems for you to help solve.
Janet: Well, thanks for having us on anyway, even though you’re super rude.
Melanie: Haha! I am. Thank you.
Janet: Are you doing anything later?
Melanie: Oh I thought you’d never ask. Actually, there’s this nice park down the street- wait are we still recording?
[End theme plays]
Michael: Solutions to Problems was created by and features the voices of Austin Hendricks and Nathan Comstock. It is produced and musically scored by Michael F. Gill. Our theme is by Thomas Dwyer. Season 3 was written by Austin, Nathan, and Michael. The voice of Melody is Chloe Cunha.
Melanie: Um, no, my name is Melanie.
Michael: The voice of Officer Nassif is Ramy Abdel-Ghani. This episode’s letters were read by Phoebe Joy, Jordan Higgs, Alice Bell, James Oliva, Kelly Asprooth-Jackson (The Chimera Podcast), Jordan Higgs again, Max Kreisky, Ayla Taylor, Allen Bell. You can hear Phoebe, Jordan, and Ayala on the Podcast “Tides”, you can hear Max on the fiction podcasts “True Tales of the Illuminati” and “Wizard Seeking Wizard”. And Alice does a non-fiction podcast about Women’s hockey called “Unofficial Wo-Ho Radio” . There’s more information about us at stppodcast.com, where you can find full transcripts of every episode as well as links to support us on PayPal and/or Radiopublic. We’ll be back in two weeks with more Solutions to Problems.
Zoon: So that’s why we’re having trouble finding a reasonably priced two bedroom apartment.
Marietta: SQUACK.
Melanie: Caller number three, amaze me.
Nassif: Hello. Sorry, this isn’t a solution to your problem, but I’m looking for two fugitives, an Armulan and a human? I heard they might have been on your show yesterday.
Melanie: Oh, yes, the very lumpy Amulet and the more pleasingly lumpy Jan, Jan- Janerve? Jane, Jane- Janememe? Janamede? Janum, Janue, Janau, Jana, Janu- Janumbra? Janumbra! Yes. They were, we don’t know where they are, and who cares! Caller number 4, answer the door.