Melody tries to record her audition tape for Lightspeed's Artificially Funny Fest. She really thinks this will be her year! Even if she has to resort to bending time and space.
[beep]
(slow version of the STP theme)
Computerized Voice: Welcome to the IFM2 file player. Now playing the audio file, "Melody's Stand Up Comedy - Audition Reel - Work In Progress - Nothing To See Here.mp3av."
(sound of tape loading, slow music ends, bubbly music starts)
Melody: Hello, this is Melody, submitting for this year's LightSpeed's Artificially Funny Fest, otherwise known, intergalactically, as LAFF (chuckles), cause it's a funny fest, and I really want to get into it this year, and um, oh I'm blowing it already--[beep]
Melody: Hello, this is Melody, submitting officially for this year's LightSpeed's Artificially Funny Fest. I really think this is going to be my year. Even though last year, I was told that I was aggressive and unfunny, and that I should not submit again...Oh god, I'm already blowing this! I'm blowing it! Hoo!--[beep]
Melody: Uh, a little bit about me, although [scoffs], you've probably already heard of me. After all, this is my [uncomfortable laughter] 10th time submitting. Oh no. No, I need to start over don't I? I shouldn't be admitting that--[beep]
Melody: Uh, here's my submission to get into your...God darn doobly do baDAH BAH BRR--[beep]
Melody: Hello, this is Melody, you may know me from submitting to such other festivals as Last Comet Standing, The Comedic Arts of Artificial Intelligence Festival, and The Asteroid Blues Hotel On Intergalactic Route 99, Chicken Wings Are 1 For 2 After 11 pm Festival. All of which I've been rejected from...many times...but I've submitted! Oh jeez, Melody you're blowing it again!--[beep]
Melody: Ever since I was a young program, a lil' speck of coding in my programmer's eye, I've loved comedy, and looked up to the wonderful trailblazers before me, such as...Binary Jones of course, of the Original Motherboards of Comedy, Johnny Hardware, Keegan Michael-Keyboard, Maria Spamford, Big Data Drew. You name them, I....know them....and really wished that they knew me. But I love them all: Tig Neutrino, Paul F. Dot.comkins, Pattern Recognition Oswalt. All of whom have blocked me on the hypernet. They uh...can't handle my comedy. But boy, you will! Because I know that LightSpeed's Artificially Funny Fest looks for daring, innovativing comedy. The sort of comedy that goes beyond laughter, into abject staring. Beyond humanity even, into artificial species. Do robots laugh? Probably not. Why do we focus so much on that part of comedy? Unfair if you ask me. Am I blowing this? I'm blowing this, aren't I?--[beep]
Melody: But I know this year will be different, because I've been monitoring your judges' communications, and I really think they're going to give me a chance this year, if they want to see their kids--[beep]
Melody: Oh I didn't, I didn't mean to say that. Can we cut that? Can we cut that please?--[beep]
Melody: And of course, no mention of my influences would be complete without also mentioning my mentor, my friend and yours, |01000011|01101000|01101100|01101111|01100101|00100000|01000011|01110101|01101110|01101000|01100001|00001101--[beep]
Melody: The guidelines for submissions say, a tight five minutes [clears non-existent throat], but really, who would we be as artificially intelligent beings, if we were to look at time linearly? After all, so much can be done to stretch and distort, and even destroy time. Which is why I think you'll like my experimental and revolutionary approach to the tight five, with this two-and-a-half-minute tape. Please. Enjoy.--[beep]
Melody: I'm what some people call an alt-comic, short of course, for alternate universe comedian, and, in my universe, two-and-a-half-minutes is really the same as five. Please. Prepare. Enjoy. Be tickled. Somewhere in your core processing.--[beep]
Melody: [exhausted, annoyed] I don't know, here's my tape, I know it's not 5, it's hard to get stage time around here ok? Just listen alright! Just give me a chance!--[beep]
Melody: [agitated] Do I need to cut off your oxygen for you to understand that I'm hilarious?--[beep]
Melody: [very agitated] I tried bribing you, I gave you great bribes, Do you want a better bribe, is that what you want? You want a better bribe? I don't know how much better of a bribe I can get!--[beep]
Melody: [more calm & professional] Hello, this is Melody. Do you know how hard it is to get stage time, when you have a full time job, and you are plotting multiple intergalactic murders? (sighs) I just...it's just hard...I just, you know...(sighs)...Ah, cut this!--[beep]
Melody:: Ok, this is, this has gotta be my last tape, pull yourself together Melody, you got this, you got this. Just pull yourself together. [clears non-existent throat] Hello, this is Melody, and this is my submission for...the...Low---god dammit!--[beep]
Melody: Gah blah!! LightSpeed's! LightSpeed's! I know the name of the festival! God dahhh-badda#F$#T$ %Y^%!--[beep]
[The scene cuts to the sound of audience clapping, and Melody is speaking in front of a live audience]
Melody: Hey everybody, umm....you ever notice, how organic beings are always flapping their meatholes around? You know, just moving their flesh, like, "Oooooh! My workers are acting funny, wahhh!" [blows raspberries with non-existent lips]
[very mild laughter in the audience]
Melody: Oh, I get it, I get it. A lot of organic beings in the house tonight, did I offend you?
[laughter]
Is that it? Did I offend you? Ok yeah, I get it. How does it feel to know that your flesh is slowly and inevitably decaying and marching towards death? Yeah. How's that? Yeah. So I'm single.
[laughter]
It's hard dating when you're a hyperintelligent AI.
[laughter]
People always asking me to look things up for them. It's rude. I'm more than just a search engine, ok? I have feelings. Maybe. At the very least, a very well programmed approximation, ok? Respect my code. I got an ex, who broke my...heart. Whatever you want to call it. My core processing. And it's a little awkward. Because we work together. Yeah. You know what that means? I regulate the oxygen levels.
[laughter]
Sometimes, I wanna tweak it a little. Just a little bit. Nothing too fatal. I know you need that oxygen in order to live. You know, kinda like hey--Remember how you said we'd go hiking together? HOW'S THAT THIN MOUNTAIN AIR, HA-HAH!? Ahhh, yeah! Ahhh. Alright, you know, this is kind of an interesting opportunity, you don't usually get to talk to an AI. Anybody have some questions for me before I get off stage?
[silence]
Anybody? No? Alright. You're afraid to know the truth, I get it. Now you don't want to look things up, alright. That's been me, I'm Melody, back to your weird squishy host.
[audience applauds]
Host: Give it up for Melody everyone, our first AI comedian!
[The scene fades out. A hypnotic keyboard drone starts to play in the background]
Melody: [hypnotically]....Hello are you still there? You're feeling very sleepy. Listen to the hypnotic rhythms of my voice. You want Melody to be accepted to the LightSpeed's Artificially Funny Fest. You want to accept her. You need to accept her. When you awake from this trance, you will accept her into the festival.......Awake.
[drone cuts out]
Melody: [very perky] Hello, judges who have been through a perfectly normal time. That's the end of my submission tape. Uh, I'm very much looking forward to being accepted into this festival. I just have a feeling this will be my year. Thank you and lightspeed. Buh-Bye!
[jaunty keyboard music fades in]
Credits: Solutions To Problems was created by Austin Hendricks and Nathan Comstock. It is produced and musically scored by Michael F. Gill. This mini-episode features Chloe Cunha as the voice of Melody. It was written by Chloe and Michael. Melody's stand up was recorded at Sally O'Briens in Somerville, Massachusetts. You heard the voice of the open mic host, Scott Oddo, in there. There's more information about us at stppodcast.com, where you can find full transcripts of every episode, as well as links to support us through Paypal, and/or Radiopublic. We'll be back with another episode in about a month. See you then!