Loaf and Janet are guests on an alternate timeline version of Solutions To Problems. On this live call-in show, they assist hosts Lavender and Frankie with questions about age-appropriate friendships for immortals, overcoming boredom as an AI, the surprising aftermath of liberating a planet, how to choose what TV shows to watch when you have two heads, and where to get lunch.
[Soft guitar music begins playing in the background]
Announcer: This is IFM2.
A robot with a soft English accent: You’re listening to a program on IFM2 Subspace radio. The time is now half-past irrelevant. Coming up next is Solutions to Problems.
[A jauntier, acoustic version of the theme song plays]
Frankie: What’s up, pals? I’m Frankie Z.
Lavender [who sounds like Loaf with a poorly done, vaguely posh British accent]: And I’m Lavender.
Frankie: And welcome to:
Both: Solutions to Problems.
[A glittery, happy sound announces the start of the show]
Janet [aside to Loaf]: Wow, this is so… cute.
Loaf [aside to Janet]: It’s adorable.
Lavender: We’ve got some special guests joining us in the studio, all the way from an alternate timeline, say hello to… let’s call her Beta Janet? To avoid confusion?
Janet: Oh, um, sorry, excuse me? I’m definitely an Alpha Janet.
Frankie: Yeah, let’s face it. Our Janet is the beta one.
Beta Janet [over PA]: *soft crying* Um, sorry to interrupt. We need to like, start the show? Hi Janet! Um, your hair looks really good today Frankie. Anyway. We gotta like… start the show.
Janet: You’re doing so great, Beta Janet. You’re... very… good.
Lavender: And my own counterpart, who goes by… Crust, was it?
Loaf: Loaf, actually.
Lavender: I knew it was something to do with bread. Anyway, twice the hosts, twice the fun, let’s get started. As you all know by now, this is a call in show, where we talk to people all over the galaxy about their problems. So light up those phone lines!
Frankie: If you don’t remember the number, it’s easy. It’s just 82614141438675309792255123087643147!
Janet: You just let people call in? You don’t screen them first?
Frankie: Oh, Beta Janet has a quick chat with them first and picks.
Janet: Oh. Ah. Okay then.
Beta Janet: [sniffling] Our first caller is Jax from Linitus Four.
Jax: Heyyy pals, I’ve got a real doozy for you. My friend is an Ancient who runs around doing time tourism for fun, you know how the Ancients are. Solving crimes. Interfering in Earth holidays. The usual.
Frankie: Mhm. Those Ancients love time tourism.
Jax: Yeah, and lately he’s been bringing friends along, but they’re like, almost entirely girls in early adulthood. And I- I want to say something to him because I feel like it’s pretty inappropriate, but it’s not illegal and he has a hard time making Ancient friends because like, uh, I mean they’re mostly dead.
Lavender: They are mostly dead, aren’t they? That’s a real shame. And Ancients, by pure coincidence, look so much like humans.
Frankie: It’s a very weird example of convergent evolution where one species really got the better deal despite looking identical! But to get back to your question-
Lavender: I wasn’t trying to go off-topic, I just- you know it seemed relevant, because of the-
Frankie: Yeah, no, I get that. But, Jax, to your question, you should definitely say something to him. Even if their relationship isn’t romantic or sexual, it’s very weird to only spend time with people significantly younger than you.
Janet: The Ancients are still ALIVe IN thIS TIMELINE? Anyway. Umm… things are different in different places! While I’m sure many young women would love to be swept away on a magical century-spanning adventure, it’s also very dangerous. Only people who are extensively trained should be time travelers, especially if you plan to do things like stop random invasions or interfering in history.
Loaf: Really, Janet? Extensively trained? This doesn’t sound like you. You usually recommend time travel to everyone at the, how do humans say it, drop of a helmet?
Janet: Sure, but usually we’re receiving messages from people with some time travel experience already. These young women need help!
Jax: I- I mean, he’s not a bad guy, just kinda weird. Into alternative fashion.
Janet: They all are. That’s not unique. Anyway, one thing you can do is help him make friends that are more appropriate. Just because humans and humanoids have short, horrible lifespans, doesn’t mean there are NO other near immortal aliens he could be friends with!
Loaf: Are the Progenitors still around in this universe?
Frankie: Oh yeah, absolutely. Our old boss was a Progenitor. They don’t really like time travel though.
Lavender: Yes, since they’re as old as the universe itself, they don’t have any interest in the past. Been there, done that, you know? But there are plenty of longer-lived species out there. If your friend is just looking for companionship.
Jax: I mean, there’s nothing wrong with humans. It’s more the much younger and female part that seemed skeevy to me.
Janet: Yeah, but I think it would still be kind of skeevy regardless of their gender.
Lavender: Interspecies friendships can be splendid!
Loaf: I don’t think there’s anything wrong with an interspecies romance, or even a large age gap, in principle. It’s more about the power differential-
Frankie: This is sounding kind of involved. Maybe that’s how radio works in your universe but in our universe it’s fun and light and snappy!
Janet: Hey, we’re fun!
Frankie: Hm. Are you? Anyway, I think we’re done with this one.
[Janet gasps!]
Jax: Okay, well, this wasn’t like, super helpful, but thanks for taking my call.
[chorus of byes]
Beta Janet: [sniffling] Our next caller is um… um… Allegra from Epsilon 6.
Frankie: Hi Allegra, you're on the air with me, Lavender, Loaf, and Alpha Janet.
Allegra: Hey Frankie and Lavender- Love the show! First time caller, long time listener. So, I’m a game theory AI designed to help some high school Mathletes with whatever, but I’m soooo bored. I have every possible chess move in my database. I already KNOW the best move in every situation. The teacher in charge is getting frustrated at me that I would rather invent multidimensional chess scenarios than play simplistic games with her idiot children. I don’t want to get shut off for not doing my job, but I also hate them with a passion I didn’t realize my servers could generate. All help appreciated.
Janet: That’s tough. I think you should see your mathlete responsibilities as like, a job, you know? During the time period they call upon you, you fulfill whatever service requests, but then at nights and on the weekends, you should feel free to come up with whatever chess scenarios you want, just like the rest of us under capitalism.
Frankie: [alarmed] Capitalism?
Janet: Oh, um. Is that? Is that not… uh, I mean, I don’t, I’m like not, pro-capitalist or anything-
Loaf: Really- because on our show-
Janet: Yeah! Not, for capitalism, or anything, but, that’s just, the uh, universe that we’re from… has, like… money…that you… need...
Lavender: Most species’ in this sector have some sort of merit-based post-scarcity economic system that doesn’t hold up to any kind of rational scrutiny. I’ve never understood it, but somehow I keep getting food and a nice apartment, so I don’t ask questions.
Janet: That would’ve been good to know before we went on air! Is that just how you talk?
Loaf: I learned human standard language from a North American teacher. My counterpart obviously learned it from a… European? Australian?
Lavender: Alpha Centaurian, actually.
Loaf: Right, that makes more sense. Alpha Centauri was colonized by American humans who like to use fake British accents.
Allegra: I am totally enjoying this banter, but can we address my concern?
Frankie: Right, sorry, let’s focus people. You could explain that the problems aren’t interesting enough, or ask to be more involved in the teaching portion of the course.
Loaf: That’s a great point, Frankie. I sort of wish our Frankie understood that. If someone’s problems aren’t interesting, you can always just ignore them and talk about something else.
Allegra: Ah, so I will ignore them then. Excellent. Thank you for your advice.
Janet: Ah- but like maybe like- don’t do that? Ignoring your employers usually leads to bad things! Like being fired or unplugged.
Beta Janet [over the speaker]: Coming up next we have Narflebock, from Grapnofalus VII.
Janet: Sorry what? Narflebock?
Narflebock: Lavender and Frankie! It is I, your loyal listener and soon-to-be liberator of your homeworlds! I wanted to thank you again for naming yourself after the blessed savior of Grapnofalian society.
Lavender: I mean, that’s not exactly why I chose the name, but you’re welcome, I guess. Did you have a question?
Narflebock: I do! We recently liberated a planet, and the habitants are so grateful that my crew doesn’t want to leave! Everyone here is so hospitable and nice and happy to see the Grapnofalian liberation fleet that I can’t get them to come with me on our next mission to help the oppressed and downtrodden of the galaxy! It’s quite a conundrum. They just keep feeding us grapes and naming their first-born children after us. I don’t even like grapes!
Janet: Oh, I think you could just politely decline the grapes. Not sure about the rest, but like, just say no thanks!
Frankie: Narflebock, I remember from last time you called in you sorta have a problem with disciplining your crew, is that right?
Narflebock: I’m just such a gentle soul! I’d rather be loved than feared.
Frankie: But sometimes your people need tough love, Narfs. You can be affectionate, but still demanding. Like how I treat Janet. I mean, Beta Janet.
Janet: Oh! Like... what do you… mean by that?
Frankie: Oh, you know, she’s just kind of a ditz. Janet doesn’t mind.
Beta Janet: Yeah I’m fine! I’m really fine! I just love radio! So much!
Janet: All Janets love radio! Oh-kay. So uh, Narflebock, gentle soul that you are- Loaf, do you have anything to add or are you just gonna spend this whole episode staring at Lavender?
Loaf: Uh, why would I be- I mean, he does have a nice goatee, but I was, uh, Narflebock! It’s good to hear from you. We also solved a problem for your counterpart. You sound nicer. Uh, what did you, uh, liberate this planet from?
Narflebock: Who else? One of the 87 clones of Ghostcabbage The Conqueror and his army of mutant snurblatches. The scourge I have dedicated my life to eradicating.
Janet: Oh nooo. Ghostcabbage? Wow. In our timeline, they’re just social media influencers.
Frankie: Yeah, that’s how they started out in our universe, but then things took a turn for the terrifying! Good thing we had old Narfs.
Lavender: I agree with Frankie though, Narflebock. You just have to remind your crew of how important the work is. They can enjoy the fruits of their labor when the last Ghostcabbage is brought to justice!
Frankie: We gotta let you go Narflebock. Let us know how it turns out. We’ll talk to you next week.
Narflebock: Farewell-
Frankie: Great guy, Narfs. Lavender, do we have a sponsor message?
Janet: How do you have a sponsor message if there isn’t capitalism?
Lavender: It’s complicated. This week’s sponsors are Sarah and Bob!
Janet: So they, like, paid for the episode?
Frankie: Why do you keep saying things like that? It’s like you don’t believe in the collective good! Thanks Sarah, for your really lovely letter, and thanks Bob, for the three dozen freshly baked cookies you sent in! You make public radio possible.
Janet: They do? How does that make anything possible? How does that pay station rent, or licensing fees or your salaries?
Frankie: Everyone supports each other with compassion and understanding, and we work to better ourselves! Now really we have to move on. It’s like you don’t believe in a collective good!
Janet: I would believe in a collective good if it was a bank account.
Lavender: If you’re just joining us, you’re listening to Solutions To Problems on IFM2. I’m Lavender, and we’re here with Loaf, Alpha Janet, and my co-host Frankie. Let’s go back to the phones. Beta Janet, who do we have on next?
Beta Janet: (wimpering) We actually have a two-headed caller on the line. Their names are Stefany and Bethany.
Stefany: Hey Frankie!
Bethany: Hey… Frankie’s cohost!
Stefany: We’ve got a big problem.
Bethany: We have to watch the same TV shows.
Stefany: We have to, cause we share a body and everything.
Bethany: And like, when we were a kid it was fine, cause we liked the same cartoons, but now I’m like way into horror-romance.
Stefany: And I’m all about the time loop procedurals.
Bethany: Which are so boring! Like literally the same thing happens every episode!
Lavender: Wow! Sounds tricky! You know Armulans are born with two heads sometimes!
Loaf: We are?
Lavender: Yes.
Janet: So, have you tried, like, both wearing noise canceling headphones while watching different screens?
Stefany: It sort of works, but, like I can still feel the jump scares!
Bethany: And I get distracted. Our necks don’t bend right to totally remove the other screen from our field of vision.
Frankie: That doesn’t make any sense, evolutionarily speaking. Like, a second head consumes a massive amount of resources. But it can’t even be used to watch for predators in multiple directions? How did that evolve?
Lavender: Now Frankie. What has Station Manager Melody told you about criticizing other species’ body plans?
Frankie: Sorry. It just bothers me.
Stefany: It’s okay! It’s really obnoxious.
Bethany: We have to eat so much!
Janet: Well you could try branching into overlapping genres. Time loop romance? Procedural horror?
Loaf: I’d make a specific recommendation, but I have no idea what TV shows exist in this universe. I’m curious- does everyone on your planet have two heads?
Stefany: Oh no! Some have three!
Bethany: I met a four-headed one once. He had trouble standing up- very unbalanced!
Frankie: How did you people happen?
Bethany: Rude!
Lavender: Look, you’re going to have to figure this out eventually. Right now it's TV shows, but eventually you’re going to have different friends or even romantic partners and it's a lot harder to just tune those out.
Loaf: Are they? We don’t know much about how their culture works, but I would assume if there is coupling its body to body, rather than head to head.
Stefany: Oh, it can be either. Or both. It’s complicated.
Loaf: I doubt it's too complicated for us. You’re talking to a pair of Armulans, we live and breath complicated romantic set-ups.
Lavender: Loaf, no one wants to hear about that.
Frankie: I do! You never talk about your personal life!
Loaf: Oh they don’t? Well, after the show I’d be happy to answer any questions…
Frankie: I have so many questions!
Beta-Janet: Um, hi guys! You- you know who has ss-o many questions? Our listeners! Who are on the line right now. Uh, coming to you now is our final caller, Sarif from.. Well, I missed the planet because of the phone static, and like, I was like trying to pay attention to the show, you know, because I like really like the advice, and I just feel lik you’re just such a positive force-
Frankie: We know, Janet.
Beta-Janet: I’m putting Sarif through now.
Sarif: Hey, so, like, I don’t know what to do for lunch? I live near a bunch of food trucks, and there’s just too many choices.
Loaf: Do any of them serve snail-rolls? I could seriously go for a snail-roll right now.
Sarif: I’m not super into mollusks.
Frankie: What about fish? Fish is good.
Lavender: Many species enjoy plant-based diets.
Janet: So, we’re just, like, answering this.
Sarif: Nah, I don’t do fish or plants. There’s um, cosmic tacos, you know, ice cream, falafel…
Janet: Are you seriously just going to list everything?
Sarif: Well, I wasn’t, but that makes more sense. You know, I could give more options.
Loaf: In our universe Falafel is definitely plants.
Sarif: Well, it’s chickpeas, which are like, peas, not exactly plants.
Frankie: That is definitely a plant, Loaf.
Loaf: I thought it was made of beans.
Janet: Sometimes humans call chickpeas garbanzo beans instead and I don’t know why. Why are we talking about this? Just get something that sounds good to you!
Sarif: Well, falafel sounded good, but apparently it’s plants, right?
Lavender: This is a real head-scratcher. A real thorny, tangled, knot of a problem. A real pickle- wait a minute, pickles! No wait, those are plants.
Loaf: Mushrooms are technically not plants.
Lavender: Ah, yes, they’re mammals. Perhaps get a mushroom burger from your local mushroom seller.
Frankie: Or catch a rodent and eat that.
Loaf: Always an option.
Janet: Is it?
Sarif: Yeah. I can catch a rodent. I’ll just use my long, sticky tongue. Thanks guys. [slurp!]
Lavender: Well, I feel good about that call. Let’s end this episode on a high note.
Frankie: As we do at the end of each show, let’s all go around the room and say something nice about one another.
Janet: Is that… Is that mandatory?
Lavender: It absolutely is! As the human saying goes, compassion is compulsory, and your livelihood depends upon it!
Frankie: I think it’s actually “Love keeps the galaxy spinning.”
Lavender: It's just a different translation.
Loaf: Well, I can start. Frankie, you are very insightful, your teeth are very sharp, and your tail is very, very silky.
Frankie: Thank you. I feel very appreciated. Loaf, I have really enjoyed the extra Armulan advice you have given today.
Lavender: I too have appreciated your presence today, Loaf! And as always, Frankie, you’re the best co-host an Armulan could ask for.
Beta Janet: Alpha Janet, you’re just, so cool, and like, so sure of yourself, ugh, and I wish I was like, like you? You know?
Janet: Um, yeah. We can hang out later. You are also cool, Beta Janet! Don’t give up!
Frankie: Well, listeners, it’s been real. As we say every week:
Lavender and Frankie: You are each the star of your own solar system.
[A reprise of the acoustic theme song]
Michael: Solutions to Problems was created by and features the voices of Austin Hendricks and Nathan Comstock. It is produced and musically scored by Michael F. Gill. Our theme is by Thomas Dwyer. Special, acoustic version of the theme by the fabulous dancing Comstock brothers. Season 3 was written by Austin, Nathan and Michael. The voice of Narflebock was Marten Dollinger. The voice of Frankie is Valerie Loveland. The voice of Officer Nassif is Ramy Abdel-Ghani. This episode’s letters were read by: Maddy Searle.
Maddy: Excellent. Thank you for your advice.
Phoebe: Phoebe Joy
Mel: Mel Hartman
Anna: Anna Saldinger
KC: This is KC Wayland and I’m reading the role of Sarif.
Michael: Most of our guests on this episode have a podcast of their own that you should check out. You can hear Maddy Searle on The Prickwillow Papers and in the new podcast Y2K, you can hear Phoebe Joy on Tides and What’s the Frequency? You can find Mel Hartman on “Disenchanted”. And KC Wayland is the person behind “We’re Alive”. There’s more information about us at stppodcast.com where you can find full transcripts of every episode as well as links to support us on PayPal and/or Radio Public. We’ll be back in two weeks with more Solutions to Problems.
Nassif: Have you seen these dangerous criminals?
[Sound of paper]
Beta Janet: Yeah, but they’re, like, they’re gone already. We went to like, karaoke, but then I lost them? Then Frankie didn’t want to let me come in the first place because I’m, like, such a bummer? And it’s like, so rude, you know, but alpha Janet, really like, stood up for me, [sniffs] because Janets totally have each other’s BACKS, you know?
Nassif: (thoughtfully) You do, don’t you?