Our new four-part miniseries! Wait Wait Don’t Teleport Me!! is a sound collage of shows heard on IFM2 Subspace Radio, an ambient comedy outside the frame of linear time. In this first episode: a deep dive into the history of popsicle jokes, what it’s like when 96% of your body is traded to another laserball team, and segments with Loaf and Sam. With your hosts, Kerrington, Nova, Maggie, and C.C. Sims.
WAIT WAIT DON'T TELEPORT ME!! - EPISODE 1 TRANSCRIPT
Announcer: This is IFM2.
Computerized voice: You're listening to a program on IFM2 Subspace Radio. This time is now half-past being asleep. Coming up next is Wait Wait Don't Teleport Me.
[dramatic orchestral music]
C.C. Sims: Previously, on Wait Wait Don't Teleport Me.
Dr. Nova Lasagna Pennington: Lasagna should be tall and multi-layered. They shouldn't be so dissociative!
Kerrington Woods: Sometimes you just have to put eyes on the potato and hope you can see clearly again.
Nova: Where's Maggie? There's too many imaginary friends.
[a high-pitched sound bounces through, akin to a thunderbolt]
The Honorable Margaret Fly: I need a break, I can't handle this right now, I must leave the frog palace!
Nova: I lost you once, I won't lose you again!
Kerrington: You know you're welcome to come back at any time.
Maggie: I'll send you a letter. It will explain everything.
[Orchestral music fades out, Don't Teleport Me Theme Song plays softly in the background]
C.C. Sims: Please tune 2 of your ears to 3 different histories.
Mix what you're hearing from the past and the future with what you are hearing now.
All your voices are necessary.
All our thoughts are in space.
How should we make space for sleep? For dreams?
The answer is about to materialize.
Live from The Improvised Alchemy Academy,
it's Wait Wait Don't Teleport Me!
Maggie: [singing the theme song] Wait, wait wait, don't teleport me now.
Wait wait-wait, Wait wait-wait, don't teleport the dreaming!
On IFM2, the subspace radio, we hope you fall asleep and listen to our late, late show.
C.C. Sims: A sound collage of shows heard on IFM2 Subspace Radio.
An ambient comedy outside the frame of linear time,
beaming you back and forth
from sentimental fission to dada...isms.
I'm C.C. Sims aka Chronologically Confused.
Here are your hosts, Kerrington Woods,
Dr. Nova Lasagna Pennington,
and The Honorable Margaret Fly.
[The theme song fades out, mid-tempo dance music starts to plays in the background]
Nova: Awaken the night!
Kerrington & Maggie: Everyone go to sleep, the show is beginning!
Kerrington: Broadcasting into the heads of those who are sleeping, this is KW speaking.
Maggie: This is The Honorable Margaret Fly.
Nova: This is Dr. Nova Pennington.
Maggie: We'll be here for the next six hours, taking you through the hibernation period.
Kerrington: We'll be your nocturnal companions through sleep, dreams, and restlessness.
Maggie: To humans, it may seem like only 20 to 30 minutes, but time is like that between universes and species. If you are awake, please do not interrupt the airwaves as we pursue the depths of sleep. If you are asleep, we thank you for your patronage. Your support keeps IFM2 Subspace Radio going.
Maggie: [in a deep film-noir voice] As they say, sleep is best consumed with company, so we're here you see, for you, the next 6 hours, to help provide you with the imaginative sustenance of dreams. We've dreamed this world into existence see, and we couldn't do it without you, we couldn't do it without our listeners, our kaleidoscope of muses asleep at the wheel of their own spaceship. Just keep an eye on those listeners, and we'll make sure you get to dreamland.
[Mid-tempo dance music fades out, soft lounge music fades in.]
Computerized Voice: [echoing in a songlike rhythm] IFM2
Host: So our guest today is Blanken Jones, who wrote this new novel about the jokes you find on popsicle sticks. Welcome Blanken.
Blanken Jones: It's great to be here.
Host: Now, what made you start writing about popsicles? Because your previous book was about necklaces.
Blanken: Well, it's actually a funny story. My mother would always get us popsicles. That was actually how I learned about comedy. There were no jokes in Arizona, Venus. They were illegal. But we still got the popsicles from Earth.
Host: What was the first joke you laughed at?
Blanken: I remember it very clearly, actually, because it wasn't, in retrospect, very funny.
Host: How did it feel to be the first person, maybe one of the first people from your species to actually laugh, and understand humor?
Blanken: I don't know if I was the first, but I'm certainly the first who I ever met. I really did feel like I was discovering something entirely new, you know, something that had never been seen before. And then, of course, I realized that someone had to have written those jokes on the Popsicle sticks, which is why I decided to find out the mystery of who.
Host: I see. Tell us more.
Blanken: A popsicle stick joke is a genre of joke onto itself. So not just any joke can be on a Popsicle stick because, you know, you get the first half of the joke, then after you eat the Popsicle, you get the second half. That delay in timing is crucial. So I'm gonna play a recording now of my favorite popsicle stick joke, and we can discuss it afterwards. So here's the recording.
[tape loading sound]
Lecher Mcfeely: Oh hi, I'm famous popsicle joke writer Lecher McFeely. And, uh, this is definitely one of my most famous jokes that I've recorded for you all. Here it is.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
Because there were chicken nuggets on the other side, and that chicken was a sadistic cannibal.
[tape ends]
Blanken: What's really amazing about that joke is I was, of course, not familiar with the original chicken cross the road joke when I heard it. And so there was an additional layer of comedy which I did not have access to, but it's a longer joke, so obviously it necessitated a longer popsicle.
Host: So you played the recording of the joke. Can you discuss how popsicle sticks got longer, but they also had an audio component to them as well?
Blanken: Yes, that is a fascinating story. In the late 22nd century audio broadcast equipment became so portable and so cheap, manufacturers started putting it into everything. They started adding all sorts of commentary and additional tracks into the Popsicle sticks. Eventually, it actually became a way of inseminating political tracks, because at that point there was a government that was very totalitarian. And they had a banned a lot of forms of speech, but they did not specifically ban talking popsicles. So that was a way that the revolutionaries spread their beliefs.
Host: You told the story of Tommy Whipsnap who accidentally swallowed a popsicle stick and had voices coming out from his stomach. Can you tell us more about that?
Blanken: It's important to note when telling that story that Tommy was already somewhat cybernetic. So, uh, he actually became an incredibly successful comedian as a result of that. There's actually some footage of him performing standup, if you want to play that for our listeners.
Host: Yes, let us go to that tape right now.
[crowd noises]
Tommy Whipsnop: Hi I'm Tommy Whipsnap. You can hold your applause, ha ha! Ah, yuck yuck, I crack myself up!
Heckler: Get off stage!
Tommy: Ok, I will, eventually. Hold on, heckler, I got some jokes for you. They'll come out in just a second...Gahh..just gotta punch the right area of my...Oh God.... [makes gagging noises]
Tommy: [in a deep voice] Well hello, this is Lester Mcfeely, just reminding you to vote for me, The Cannibal Party. Please do your civic duty. If you don't, you might be shot.
Tommy: [normal voice, but struggling] Oh God, oh Jesus, my life is pain! Ohhh! So anyway, I was on a date the other day...
[clip ends]
Blanken: That was just a little clip of Tommy Whipsnap who really can be credited with popularizing popsicles sticks for a whole new generation.
Host: What do you hope this book brings to the reader and to the public at large?
Blanken: Really, I just, you know, I think a lot of people take popsicles and popsicle stick and the jokes on them for granted and don't realize what a rich history is there.
Host: Blanken Jones, thank you for speaking with us today.
Blanken: It's, it's been a pleasure.
[lounge music fades out]
Computerized Voice: IFM2.
Maggie: In order to save the world, re-enchant it.
Computerized Voice: [singing] Janet Clarke is an amateur time-traveler, because she's always late for work.
[Melodic, dreamy music fades in]
C.C. Sims: Coming up next, let's listen in to our alternate universe hosts, Catherine and Michael.
Catherine: I think you think that I'm a lot angrier than I am.
Michael: Based on our conversations...
Catherine: Based on every single conversation we've ever had.
[laughter]
Catherine: And I want to tell you more, but I don't want to like, be mean.
Michael: Why stop now?
Catherine: [laughs] I don't know if you would find it funny or you would get really sad.
Michael: I mean, I’m already sad.
Catherine: [laughter] It's really more to do with the fact that your body's so angular and has such sharp points.
Michael: Is it like the shoulders or the stomach?
Catherine: It's the shoulders, it's the thin pointy arms, and it's the square face.
Michael: Ok.
Catherine: She and I are both used to kissing such soft people and like, you're not a soft-looking person.
Michael: [groans]
[laughter]
Michael: I have learned though, never kiss halfway on the first date.
Catherine: [laughter] What does that mean?
Michael: Like, don't like apprehensively go in for the kiss, and then they give you like a scowl and walk away.
Catherine: [gasps] Has that happened to you? Has that happened to you? [laughter]
Michael: She said to me, “I don't know how you should kiss me. It's not your fault that your trapped in a body you haven't let go of. Just relax, don't have a body.”
Catherine: I bet you will be single for another five years.
Michael: Oh god, that's so awful to think about.
Catherine: I'm gonna say that, and then the opposite is gonna happen. Well, according to what I said two years ago, you're going to be single for 5 more years, so in 3 years you won't be single. I'll still be married.
Michael: Yes, I feel like, like listening back to that conversation from two years ago, it's like, Hmmm, not much has changed. [laughter] I'm like 5% less sad then I was 2 years ago.
Catherine: That's a huge improvement for you.
Michael: It's true. I guess...I guess they finally wore me down, all the dates.
[Melodic, dreamy music fades out. Slightly dissonant space music fades in]
C.C. Sims: Let's now go back to our original broadcast. Please stand by. Changing universes.
Voiceover: Coming up next on IFM2, it's Sportstalk.
Host: Good afternoon everyone and welcome to Sports Talk [the word “talk” echoes reverbantly].
I'm your host [makes strange noises]. Today we are going to be interviewing the newly reconstituted Flim Wilkerson of Purple Space Flight, formerly of the Spider Monkeys. Reconstituted and traded to his rival team! Flim, how you doing today?
Flim Wilkerson: I'm actually here with not only my full body, but my arm, which was, you know, not reconstituted.
Host: I hadn't heard that. So how does that work?
Flim: Well, we had a disagreement amongst all my limbs, and about 96% of me was really primed to be reconstituted. But my left arm was not into it, completely wanted to stay where it was, felt like a traitor for going to the other team. So instead of having an eternal stand off between my own body, we decided to part ways, literally.
Host: How do you think being down an arm will influence your chances in the upcoming season?
Flim: The doctors say I can grow a new one back in about 26 years, so I'm gonna, I'm gonna wait it out.
Host: 26 years is a long time. There's a good chance you might get vaporized again in the interim.
Flim: I'm also looking into time travel things where I can actually go into the future and see what happens in 26 years and see if I've actually been vaporised by then. So far, I'm actually alive.
Host: You are aware of the league rules against time loops, right?
Flim: Really?
Host: Only spectators are allowed to use time loops. If players use them it just gets very confusing for everyone.
Flim: That wasn't the rule when I was playing. So did you want to hear from the Arm? The Arm is here with me, by the way.
Flim's Arm: Hi.
Host: Yes, Flim Wilkerson's left arm. Tell us all about your decision to stay with your original team when the rest of your body was traded.
Flim's Arm: I don't understand why we switched teams. Because like the other team vaporized me. And I felt bad about that. And I don't want to hang out with people who vaporized me.
Host: Sorry to be pedantic, but technically speaking, the ball vaporized you.
Flim's Arm: Do you think I care?
Co-host: Do you think you'll be able to perform to your full potential, since both teams will have players of multiple limbs and you yourself are just a limb?
Flim's Arm: Um, yeah, so it's definitely going to be like a hurdle that I have to like overcome, but I think I can do it. I think I can be the first independent limb to really be successful in laserball.
Host: Well, thanks so much for talking to us Flim Wilkerson and Flim Wilkerson's limb, who we will call Limb Wilkerson. We'll be back after a short break.
[Space music ends]
Computerized Voice: [singing] IFM2, where the subspace radio listens to you.
[Organ music plays]
C.C. Sims: Now, it's time for “Limericks with Loaf.”
Loaf: As each colorful little egg hatches
social media rights this being snatches
though they’re furry and cute,
they have caused a lawsuit
what you get for exploiting __________
Crowd: PARSLEY!
Loaf: Sorry, the answer we were looking for was “snurblatches.”
Loaf: When society feels defective,
Factions lining up trading invective
Trade these doubts and misgivings
For harmonious living
Give yourself up and join ____________
Crowd: VENDIAGRAM!
Loaf: That's right. It's a collective. “Space Cult” does work in the context, but it doesn't rhyme.
[Organ music fades out, video game style music fades in]
Kerrington: [w/fuzzy vocal effect] I'll take a half-decaf inside a half-decaf of a half-decaf.
Nova: Coffee? Without it, your head caves in!
Samantha: How's it going in here, guys?
Kerrington: Oh, this is our intern, Samantha.
Samantha: They know 'cause they listen to the regular show.
Kerrington: Well, no one listens to this show. You're not supposed to be listening to this show.
Samantha: I mean, I mostly just stayed up to try and see what it was like to stay up past curfew, because this is the first time that my parents have let me, because I told them it was part of my radio show job. And let me tell you, it is not as exciting as I expected.
Kerrington: What were you expecting?
Samantha: I just thought that as a late night show, this would be something that was…edgier, something like...The Nightclub Review, or like everyone's spinning bottles and making out with each other and telling their deepest, darkest secrets, and maybe overindulging a little in alcoholic beverages.
Kerrington: Maybe if you have some ideas to improve the show, you can tell us them right now.
Samantha: Well, I think there should be a disco ball, disco ball and strobe lights.
Kerrington: So, like, an audible disco ball and an audible strobe light.
Samantha: Yeah, like audio flashes. Maybe it would be like going in and out?
Kerrington: No one's listening right now, so why don't you give it a shot? Do the show you want to do right now.
Samantha: Okay, So, uh, let me give me a moment. Sam's....prom dress segment! So, like, there was this one dress that I saw and it was a beautiful sheath dress made of faux-walrus skin—walrus skin is totally in right now—but like real walrus skin is very environmentally unsafe. It's pretty toxic. Or maybe I should choose the mermaid-type twizzler dress!
Kerrington: This is actually excellent, it's putting the listeners to sleep right away.
Samantha: [laughs] Uhhhh, that's not what I meant!
[Video game style music fades out]
Computerized voice: [singing]:
Despite
having
so many tentacles,
Loaf
is very
bad at
playing
tennis,
aaaaaaaaand
ping pong
[Propulsive space music plays in the background]
Kerrington: [over the phone] Watch out, if you turn this knob, all the listeners will be sprayed with coffee! We can't have them waking up!
C.C. Sims: Here lies the QR code of Dr Nova Lasagna Pennington. Please scan the section of her life you would like to know about. Scan here to only focus on the memories that include you.
[beeping sound]
Nova: Kerrington and I were best friends as far back as I can remember, before Magfly stepped into our lives and everything changed. I'm still living in this house, the Frog Palace. But now everything has come to life. The pollywogs, the potatoes and, most importantly, the lasagna. I see it everywhere. I must resist the urge to measure it, but it's becoming so hard. Everything is too unreal.
Voice 1: [higher pitched, American Southern accent] Are you saying people are stealing our thoughts right now? Excuse me, you still didn't answer my question. Is the hypernet stealing our thoughts right now?
Voice 2: [also higher pitched] I think technically, if you sign on to the hypernet that you are opting into what they would call thought harvesting, it's actually not stealing. You have to go into your settings to change it if you don't want them to harvest your food, and yes. Harvest your thoughts, excuse me.
Frankie: This is Wait Wait Don't Teleport Me. Uh, this is Frankie, and I love working on the show because I can get a lot of work done, 'cause nobody listens.
Nova: This show is not suitable for humans.
Kerrington: [distorted] I am not now, nor ever have I been, a member of the Human race.
Kerrington: Can you repeat the word Nova?
Nova: [echoing Nova, Nova....
Kerrington: Can you repeat the word Nova?
Nova: Nova, Nova....
Maggie: Can you repeat the word Nova? Can you repeat the word Nova? Can you repeat the word Nova?
Nova: Nova, Nova....
Kerrington: Can you repeat the word Nova?
Nova: Nova, Nova....
Maggie: Can you repeat the word Nova?
Kerrington: What was it you were thinking about? What was it you were thinking about?
Nova & Maggie: Lost. Track.
Kerrington: What was it you were thinking about?
Nova & Maggie: ...of time.
Maggie: For whales, changes in their skull allowed their nostrils to migrate slowly backwards over their head, in order to assist in their breathing underwater. Thus, the Blowhole was born. For humans, changes in their sleep allowed their dreams to migrate slowly down from their mind to their mouth, in order to assist in their breathing while awake. Thus, artistic expression was born.
C.C. Sims: “The need of sleep is not in the soul, for it is ceaselessly active.” - Clement of Alexandria.
Kerrington: Go deep, go far, go weird.
[Propulsive space music fades out, gloomy dirge-like music fades in.]
The Central Insomniac: This is the Central Insomniac. Refusing to sleep is a rebellious act. By staying up, you are saying: I will turn night into day. I will reject rejuvenation. Sleep is not the void I am looking for. I am a limitless citizen. I am not a participant in discipline. I am a limitless citizen. I am not a participant in discipline
Maggie: [singing] Pretending to listen is the greatest gift of all
Averting your vision every time we give a call
Remember we want you to ignore us every day
Keep sleeping you'll help us to continue on our way
Nova: Wow! There's so many people here in the bottomless pit.
[Gloomy dirge-like music fades out, dreamy ambient music fades in]
Maggie: [in studio] We stayed up all night to listen to your show. It's weird. Why do you do it?
Maggie: [from home recording] You know, someone asked him if they should be held responsible for their dreams and he said, Who else should we hold responsible? And I think that that's pretty much dead on.
Maggie: [echo effect] Wait Wait Don't teleport me, I wanna be here, I wanna be in this moment, Don't let me leave it, I wanna be here, I wanna be in this moment, Don't teleport me, I wanna be here, I wanna be in this moment, Don't let me leave it, I wanna be here, I wanna be in this moment, Don't!
[A space rooster crows “cock-a-doodle-doo,” music changes to upbeat space music.]
Nova: Oh look, there's our first caller.
[Phone rings]
Caller #1: Hi, I have a question about the strawberry that you ate last Tuesday. I noticed that you dropped it on the floor and then briefly, you stared at the vent on the ceiling, I was just wondering why you would stare up while the thing you wanted was clearly down.
Kerrington: This is not my area of expertise but, I do think it might have to do with zero gravity in certain locations. But that's just my guess. Caller, you're on the air.
Caller #2: Hi, I was wondering like, how much lasagna is enough for my potatoes?
Maggie: I think first, you wanna count your layers, and assign at least one potato to guard each layer. And then after that, you know, ask the layers what they're really hungry for, and then go from there.
[Phone rings]
Maggie: Looks like there's another caller coming through.
Caller #3: So like, when I'm disassociating, I was just wondering like, how would you come back from space after you swallowed sixteen flies?
Nova: If even one of those flies was Magfly, you would have the solution in the palm of your hand, and it would look like a key.
Maggie: [high pitched] Sound kabob, sound keblob.
C.C. Sims: We've reached the end of the show, we've reached its essence.
Now the mind has been adjourned
while the radio tape churns
in that vacated space that burns for presence
Kerrington & Maggie: Everyone wake up, the show is over!
C.C. Sims: You've been listening to Wait Wait Don't Teleport Me on listener-supported IFM2 Subspace Radio, also broadcasting on WETH on Earth, KMNP on the moon, and AFZ1 on Armulus 2. We're streaming on the hypernet, portable radios, and inside every government computer at Hertzos Frequency 1077. Until next time, go deep, go far, go weird. Sleep well.
[Space music fades out. Dramatic orchestral music starts]
C.C. Sims: Next time, on Wait Wait Don't Teleport Me.
Kerrington: Mags left this for you.
Nova: It's her key, to the old frog pond!
Kerrington: But there's no frogs there.
Nova: Unreal frogs. Unreal toads. She's sending me a message. Wait, what are you doing?
Kerrington: I'm using the lasagna to measure it.
Nova: Why? We've lost so much, it's like we're starting all over again.
Kerrington: You know that's not true. We still have each other. We have the potatoes, and we've reintroduced the red-legged frog to space.
Nova: All I have are the memories inside this head of broccoli that slowly dissolves the more I keep it on the stove. Sooner or later I will have to eat it, and forget about our time together.
Kerrington: This would kill Maggie if she heard you talking like this.
[A deep booming sound is heard, akin to thunder]
Maggie: [entering] It didn't kill me. It's made me stronger, like the Great Mixodelian night toad.
Nova: [gasps] You're back! But how?
[Dramatic orchestral music fades out. Don't Teleport Me theme plays softly over the credits.]
Credits: Wait Wait Don't Teleport Me, a Solutions To Problems miniseries, was created, produced, and musically scored by Michael F. Gill. The written sections were by Michael F. Gill, with everything else improvised by the actors. The theme song was composed by Thomas Dwyer, with lyrics and arrangement by Michael. This episode features Suzanne O'Toole as The Honorable Margaret Fly, April March as Dr. Nova Lasagna Pennington, Susanna Kittredge as C.C. Sims, Catherine Martin as Catherine Mckey, and Michael F. Gill as Kerrington Woods and Michael Frederick. The voice of Samantha is Phoenix Bunke. The voice of Loaf is Nathan Comstock. The voice of Frankie is Valerie Loveland. You also heard the voices of Austin Hendricks, Nathan Comstock, Chloe Cunha, Ramy Abdelghani, and Ron Prudent in the skits and sketches. You can visit us online at www.stppodcast.com, which has full transcripts, as well as links on how you can support us through PayPal or Radiopublic. Season 3 of Solutions To Problems will be released this winter. We'll see you soon!